Mature Masculinity Podcast: Are you living your life for the right person?

Nice Guys don’t know how to live their lives for themselves. They make their partners the center of their lives and orient all of their actions around trying to make their partner happy. I share why this doesn’t work and how this nice guy behavior kills the relationship.

Nice guys need to learn how to live their lives for themselves and how to live in integrity with the values, mission and purpose that bring them to life. This won’t always make your partner happy, but you can’t live an authentic life where you put your partner and their happiness on a pedestal and sacrifice your needs and wants. I explain why in depth in this frank episode of Mature Masculinity Podcast.

How to use conflict to create deeper trust in your relationships

Men try to avoid conflict in the home, wanting to have a harmonious and peaceful space. I share why avoiding conflict doesn’t work and how it actually kills your relationships. If you want to build trust and intimacy you have to learn how to navigate the storms that inevitably come up. It’s not about winning arguments or being right…it’s about learning how to collaborate through the conflict.

What is a "real man"?

What is a “Real man?”

I’ve heard the phrase real man thrown about as a way of trying to define masculinity, but I think its a phrase that shames men because it creates this pedestal that they are trying to live up, instead of actually discovering what it means to be a man in relationship to being themselves. So what is a real man? A real man is…

A man who is in touch with his emotions, cries like a man and is able to share his moments of vulnerability with people he trusts.

A man who is honest with BOTH his intentions and his actions, who follows through on his word and takes responsibility for his choices, while making space for how people respond to those choices.

A man who listens to his deepest desires, his mission and purpose and finds a way to follow through on them in a way that honors himself and the other people in his life.

A man who cultivates awareness of himself and others, recognizes the impact of his actions as well as the intent and is able to learn and improve himself.

A man who is willing to do his inner work, father his inner boy, and hold himself accountable, even as he holds other men and is held by other men in accountability.

A man who is in touch with his sacred essence and revels in it. A man who isn’t ashamed to be a man, while also acknowledging that men need to do their work and transform who they are in relationship with themselves, the people in their lives and the world around them.

A real man can also be a father, son, uncle, nephew, grandfather or grandson, self identify as a man, and be involved in a variety of activities, professions, etc., without overly identifying with any of them.

Are you a real man? No one else can tell you that…but being a real man, whatever that may be isn’t about adhering to toxic notions of masculinity. A real man is a man who recognizes he is part of this world and recognizes he wants to leave the world better than how he came into it.

What is the role of spirituality in sacred masculinity?

One of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately is what the role of spirituality is within sacred masculinity. I’m asking this question because while I appreciate the deep psychological work that happens with men’s work, what I’m also finding is that there’s something missing. It’s important to be in touch with your mission and purpose, and to develop a better understanding of how your wounds are showing up in your life, with yourself and other people. All of that is essential work for men to do.

But I realized there was something missing, a deeper level of connection, a spiritual level of connection. This spiritual level of connection could come in many forms. It’s not limited to a specific religion or spiritual system of belief, but it is something that puts men in touch with the spiritual essence of masculinity and allows them to express it, either in a positive or negative way.

We see this expression in a negative way through patriarchal expressions of the spiritual dimensions of masculinity. This comes in the form of attempting to control other peoples’ bodies, controlling the expression people have, and in the hierarchical inequities that are built into patriarchy for almost everyone. It also shows up in how the environment and nature is treated as a disposable resource to be conquered. This spiritual expression of masculinity creates a toxic pattern that is ultimately harmful for all involve because it glorifies an unbalanced perspective of masculinity as a dominant expression of life.

We see this expression in a positive way through expressions of masculinity where the feminine is recognized as equal (and also distinct) and in the recognition that we have a place within the world where we share the world with other life, instead of trying to dominate and control it. We see the positive spiritual expression of masculinity found through collaborative brotherhood and finding ways to work together and support each other, but we also find it in the exploration of male mysteries.

What are the male mysteries?

The male mysteries are spiritual processes that lead men into a deeper and healthier relationship with their masculinity. They are the rites of passage that help a boy transition to manhood and allow men to transition through the aging processing. The male mysteries connect us to the sacromasculine essence that all people have. As with anything else, this essence isn’t inherently positive or negative.

Within the healthy context of sacred masculinity work, the focus of the male mysteries is on developing a balance within ourselves where we learn the fundamental skills of how to create boundaries, develop awareness around our mission and purpose and create grounded presence. But the male mysteries is also a journey of self discovery around the sacred sexual mysteries of masculinity, the connection to the land and other aspects we have lost touch with through the advent of modern culture.

The choice to work with sacred masculinity isn’t just a choice of working on yourself as a man and how you want to show up in the world. That work is important and it’s the initial step men must take when they recognize how they are embodying toxic patterns of masculinity in their lives. The sacred masculinity work takes place once we have achieved a healthy relationship with our masculinity. At that point we can ask ourselves how we can draw on the sacromasculine essence to connect with powers of the land as well as do deeper work within ourselves in relationship to the divine masculine.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Pt 8: Stand up for your wants, needs and desires…no one else will

You have needs, wants and desires. Don’t fool yourself otherwise. You must be honest with yourself about what you need and want for your life. The more you repress your own needs and wants, the more you do yourself and everyone around you a disservice because you can’t authentically show up the way you need to show up for anyone, when you can’t show up for anyone else.

You have sexual desires, but those are just the tip of what your needs and wants are.

You have the need to go out and get physical with your body in some form or manner.

You have the need to exercise your mind, your spirit, your emotions, and your body.

All of these needs are essential and when you put them to the side or repress them you set yourself up to be a nice guy. Give yourself something better than that: Be honest with yourself and others by advocating for you needs and wants.

And watch as your relationships change because you are standing up for yourself.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine pt 7: Seek your purpose and mission and make your life over in your own image

Do you know your purpose and mission for this life?

or are you wistfully looking out the window of your cubicle, wishing you were anywhere else than where you are right now?

Most men are in the latter situation. They have no idea what their mission and purpose is. They are toiling away at a job they don’t like, trying to compete with each other, and feeling frustrated, over worked, and out of touch with the most essential part of themselves.

What they are out of touch with is the part of themselves that is telling them about the mission they are here to accomplish, a mission that is profound and life changing. They’ve given up on listening to that voice because of the fear of how following that mission will stretch them.

Most men have made their wives and partners the most important part of their lives, yet the feel like something is missing.

What is missing is their sense of purpose: What they are here to do to make themselves and the world better. When they place someone else above themselves they let their purpose wilt away and with it their sense of pride and accomplishment.

The sacred masculine man is in touch with his mission and purpose. He knows who he is, why he is here and what he needs to accomplish. He is in alignment with the deepest parts of himself as well as the with the world around him and he is willing to do whatever it takes to create an amazing world as well as improve himself as a person and man.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Pt 6: Be embodied in your sexuality with yourself and your lovers.

So many of us check out with our bodies and our sexuality.

We get caught up in trying to perform toward expectations around how sex ought to be.

We get caught up in trying to reach a specific outcome, without appreciating the experience leading up to that experience.

We get caught up in the value judgments we make about ourselves in relationship to our sexual performance and the fear we have about how others will evaluate us.

And in the midst of all that, we lose touch with our actual desires, wants and needs.

A man in touch with his sacred masculinity is in touch with his body, in touch with his sexual desires and is able to embody all of that and be present with himself and his partners without having to perform or measure up.

We embrace our bodies without feeling shame and accept our sexual desires without judging them. We honor ourselves and our partners and take joy in the intimate expression of sex.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Part 2 - Unleash your wild man

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Quest part 2 Honor the wild man within you. Be proud to be a man

Being proud to be a man is almost unheard of these days or the assumptive association is that being proud to be a man makes you a part of toxic masculinity. You may even be questioned for being proud to be a man because it’s not a choice you’ve seemingly made, but what that question forgets is that each person makes a choice to be whoever and whatever they identify as everyday.

We ought to be proud of who and what we are, because it is a choice we are making regardless of what is or isn’t swinging between our legs.

However being proud to be a man doesn't mean you ignore the history of patriarchy or the privilege that has so often come with masculinity. If anything it means challenging it, because the patriarchal, privileged man is a man out of touch with his own inner wildness and his sacred masculinity and as a result he is out of touch with everyone else around him.

To waken our connection with sacred masculinity we have to connect with the wild man within us, the wildness that leads us to our fundamental mission and purpose and speaks to the depths of our heart and the ascension of our creativity.

A man in touch with his wildness is a man unconstrained by the norms of society. He seeks his own path instead of sticking with the rate race. He's in alignment with his vision and purpose and strives to turn them into reality.

He also creates his own life, a life of adventure, joy and passion. He knows what his life is worth and as a result he makes the choice to create a life on his own terms.

Be proud to be a man, but don't let that pride blind you to the realities of how men have shown up in the past and how some men still show up. Instead take on an informed awareness that helps you channel your inner wildness and show up with presence and awareness.

When men are ashamed to be men that's when they seek refuge in patriarchal thinking and privilege and then act them out as a way of guarding their own woundedness. They stop being present with themselves or anyone else and the result is a man who is frozen on the inside and out of touch on the outside.

When a man is in touch with his inner wildness he can show up with the presence for himself and other people that enables genuine and authentic relationship and communication.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Part 1 - Love

I’ve been working on developing an Ethos that describes the vision and work of the Sacred Masculine. In this next series of posts I’m going to share with you what that Ethos is and why its significant to the work all men need to do to transform their lives.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Quest - Part 1 Love

We have been taught to give away our love to other people and also been taught that the only love which has value is love that is given to us by other people.

A man in touch with his sacred masculine power knows better. He knows that love starts from within. He might experience someone else loving him, and he might love someone else, but until he learns how to love himself he will not be able to fully show up for anyone else.

Love yourself unapologetically, choose yourself unapologetically, Respect yourself unapologetically and the world will fall in love with you, choose you, respect you and open the doors of possibility and opportunity for you.

Love another person but balance that love with your love of yourself. You deserve the best from yourself and you cannot give your best to anyone else until you value yourself.

You are worthy of being loved by yourself. You are worthy of being valued by yourself. You are worthy of saying I have value and I choose to value myself.

I have loved others and given them my heart and my soul in a way that put those people on a pedestal and put myself in a place where I could be stepped on.

I am not doing that now though. I'm not doing that ever again...I know my worth and I choose to let go of the pedestal, the objectification, and also the diminution of all involved.

I love myself and I give myself my heart and soul and hold it in sacred keeping for the person or people who honor my heart and soul and recognize the precious gift I give of presence and passion, love and desire, devotion and honor.

They may share in the warmth of my heart and the light of my soul, the creative depth of my intelligence, the spiritual energy of my magic and the fierce life force of my body...and know what a gift it is to be in presence and power with me.

Even as I know in turn, they are also giving me the gift of presence with their heart, soul, intelligence, spiritual force and life fire.

Self love is the magic that continually transforms my life and the way I show up boldly and bravely for myself, my purpose, my missions, my passion and for the depth I bring to the world around me.

Love yourself my brothers and the world will open its heart to you and reveal its mysteries and secrets.

What does it mean to love yourself?

If we want to be loved, we must learn how to love ourselves. One of the challenges many men face is that they look for love and validation from other people, but there will never be enough love and validation from someone else, if we don’t make the choice to love and validate ourselves. I get real and share some of my own journey around this work.

What does it mean to be responsible for yourself?

If we want to be safe we have to take responsibility for ourselves. I discuss what it means to take responsibility for yourself and share some ideas of what responsibility can look like both with yourself and in relationship to other people.

Why your purpose must be greater than your relationships

In this video I share some thoughts on what it means to live a purposeful life and why men need to define their purpose as something other than their relationships. I also discuss why men have been indoctrinated to focus on relationships and how this can create a nice guy, people pleasing dynamic that keeps men from their sacred masculine purpose.

One Year Anniversary Retrospective

It’s been one year since I made the spiritual commitment to work with the sacred masculine. I share what I have learned in this last year, talk about the experiences I’ve had and discuss how I’m moving forward with this work in my life.

What is Shadow Work?

I discuss what shadow work is and why it is essential to sacred masculinity. When we learn how to work on our shadows, we free ourselves from the repressed emotions, attachments and other behaviors that are keeping us from living our very best lives.

What does it mean to lead?

What does it mean to lead in your life? Why is it important to lead? In this video I explore the question of what it means to lead and share some thoughts on why leading yourself is so important if you want to truly get in touch with your sacred masculine core.

Sign up for the Sacred Masculine Leadership: https://www.inneralchemycoach.com/sacred-masculine-leadership

How to be Present and Grounded with your partner part 2

Breath is a portal for slowing down and becoming present. When we take deep breaths we invite in perspective and give each other a chance to slow down. When we look into each other’s eyes, we gives ourselves a chance to see the other person.

How to be Present and Grounded with Yourself and Your Partner

Learn how to be present and grounded within yourself and with your partner in any situation that may arise.. Learning these skills can help you become a grounded man who is comfortable in his ability to show up and lead.

Why actions matter more than words to your partner

One of the challenges that men face is an age old challenge that any person faces: Talk is cheap. What matters are the actions you take. I’ve been thinking about this truism in the last month as I’ve been considering how my words match up with my actions. When I look at my love languages, words of affirmation is one that easily comes to me, but words that aren’t backed up with actions don’t mean a lot, because what your partner wants to see is that you’ll follow through on whatever you say you’ll do.

My journey to sacred masculinity is a journey that has involved looking at what it means to truly connect with my masculine core. When I connect with my masculine core what I’m connecting with is a rooted presence that isn’t easily swayed by the circumstances or challenges that may come up. Instead that rootedness helps me ground myself in my masculinity and consider how I can show up with presence to follow through on the promises I’ve made, by taking specific action to make those promises become a reality.

What got me thinking about my own actions was a combination of feedback and several books I’ve been reading that explore sacred masculinity in relationship. Reading those books on the masculine in relationship has helped me understand that when I’m not inhabiting my grounded masculine core, I’m not fully in touch with my presence and as a result it is easier for me to slip up, even with the best of intentions.

One of the tropes that men deal with is the trope of being the problem solver. The problem with the problem solver is that a lot of times the person trying to problem solve is so focused on other peoples’ problems that they ignore their own and don’t recognize how this can create a distinct slip between words and actions. Having been a former problem solver, one of my deepest realizations is that by letting go of the need to problem solve, I became truly present with the people in my life. That may seem like an odd statement, so let me clarify it.

When I stopped trying to solving other peoples’ problems I came to realize that I used their problems to distract me from my own problems. When I re-oriented my awareness toward my own shortcomings, I came to realize that by working on those shortcomings I could also have deeper and more meaningful relationships. I focused on becoming a better listener, asking good questions, and changed certain life style habits so that I could focus on the mission and purpose I am working on in my life. I let go of problem solving and started to show up in relationships from a place of awareness that I had previously lacked.

This awareness recently came into play when I was given the feedback that I say a lot, but then challenged to show actions around what I said. The person who said that was needing to see that actions truly were being taken. I initially felt defensive, but I used the grounded masculine core I’ve been cultivating to help me see her perspective and consider how best I could show up in presence with her. The first action I took was to start saying a bit less and focus on taking action around statements I had already made.

And I observed something fascinating in making this specific choice.

When I took action, I found myself sinking into my sacred masculine core even further. I took specific actions around what I had stated I would do and the result was and is the manifestation of a deeper and more relationship with both myself and my love, because my actions are speaking louder than any words could.

I couldn’t have come to this realization if I hadn’t first changed my relationship with problem solving and secondly come to an understanding around how I could better cultivate my own sense of presence and awareness in such a way that I could also reflect on how I was showing up in the lives of other people. Its easy to say words, but taking action is much more essential and when you take action consistently it backs up the words you say and makes you more trustworthy because you’ve established you’ll follow through.

Look at your own life. Where can you be showing up better? What actions can you take to make your words have more meaning in your own life and the lives of the people who are important to you? If you need help with answering those questions, grab my free ebook below.

How normalization of our experiences can help us become healthier and happier men

Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-wearing-hooded-jacket-in-front-of-body-of-water-1172207/

One of the challenges that men face in general is learning how to share their experiences, challenges, and frustrations with other men. Often times it can feel intimidating to let another man in and share with that man what’s really going on underneath the surface. It also doesn’t help that often we’re encouraged to project a sense of false bravado and confidence that often people can see right through.

I was recently reading a book where the author also shared that another dilemma that many men face is one of how vulnerable they can really be with their families. When we’re wrestling with our shadows it can feel like we have to do this work alone and never show anyone what’s actually happening. The problem is that going it alone doesn’t work all that well. When I am doing the work alone I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling the doubts and fears and anxieties that inevitably come up with this work.

Shouldn’t I have it altogether like all the other people out there?

The truth is nobody has it altogether all the time. We may have moments where everything comes together effortlessly, but there are also moments where we don’t have it together. But when no one shares that they’re going through a rough time, its usually because of a fear of being judged and shamed. The sad thing is, that judgement and shame is already occurring on a deep level from the one person you need it the least from: Yourself.

The first time I realized I truly wasn’t alone was the first time I joined a circle of men and listened to the experiences of the other men and then shared my experiences. A thought went through my mind, like a lightning bolt: “I’m not alone. These men can relate to my experiences.”

I had never felt that way before, never really opened up to other people in my life. I had learned early on to keep myself guarded. I had learned that opening up just led to getting hurt and being ridiculed for being emotional, too self absorbed, or other comments made that tore me down. So I kept myself locked away, hurting on the inside, and trying to show a brave face to the outside, while hoping no one noticed how afraid I really was.

What I encountered in that circle of men was a normalization of my experience. Normalizing is the experience where people share their emotions and experiences and thoughts in a way that helps each person realize they are not alone and that what they are experiencing is actually normal. It helps us cut through the illusion of success that so many people try to project and get to the reality underneath.

And what’s fascinating is that when you get to the reality underneath and normalize the shadows that prey on all of us, you begin to discover real confidence and act on it. It’s not that that you banish your fear or that bad experiences go away. Even now I have days where I feel afraid or I struggle, but I don’t suffer in the same way because I know there are other people who can relate and hold the space with me. That makes the experience easier to handle than it would be otherwise.

When we normalize our experiences we become healthier and happier men because we aren’t holding in all the fears and insecurities and anxieties and stresses of life. We’re releasing them and stepping more fully into our power.

The shadow of insecurity

Recently I was feeling conflicted.

I was at a crossroads about a major decision. Should I go this way or that way? I didn't know which way to go.

Should I commit to going to grad school, get another degree, a mountain load of student debt or should I commit to becoming a men's coach and do the work I know I am called to do around helping other men?

I felt weak and indecisive, paralyzed about making a decision even though in my deepest, truest self I already knew the answer. I kept questioning myself and my choices, scared I was making the wrong choice, trying to stay in my comfort zone instead of challenging myself to grow, even though that growth might be really uncomfortable.

One of my shadows had me in its grip and it wasn't going to be easy to shake off.

Can you relate to that?

What I needed was to address the shadow head on from a place of grounded and rooted masculine awareness, from a place of true strength.

The strength that can only come from knowing yourself, choosing yourself and acting on that choice in your best interests.

Fortunately I had some help and I did a deep dive into my shadows and encountered that shadow which had me in its grip.

It was the shadow of my father and a memory I had when I was 12 years old. I was at the dinner table sharing a compliment I had gotten from a girl about a book I was reading.

He said, "If you're so smart, why can't you get better grades?"

It was just one incident among many in my life where he tried to crush my spirit and make me small.

And here he was again reaching from the past to try and make me feel small, to try and make me feel dumb and keep me from realizing my potential.

But I wasn't going to let him do that. And I had help.

For so long in my life I had tried to white knuckle my way through my shadows, fears and insecurities, but what I have learned is that you don't have to go on the journey alone. You can go with brothers who understand and can relate to your experiences because they know the territory. Their stories aren't the same, and neither are their experiences, but they can relate.

I confronted this shadow with my brothers and I changed the story on a deep level and came out the other side feeling confident and grounded in myself, knowing that I can move forward with my decision and let go of the need to be in the comfort zone.

If you've ever felt something similar, felt lost, scared and indecisive, and you've tried and tried on your own to make the choice, but kept finding yourself back in the comfort zone numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, porn, video games or other distractions, or just stuck and unable to make a decision, there is a better way.

Allow me the privilege to take you on a journey...the journey to discover your sacred masculine power and discover the deepest abiding strength you have within you.

If you're ready, sign up for a free sacred masculine strategy session and let's explore the challenges and shadows in your life by shining a light on them.

https://www.inneralchemycoach.com/

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