Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-wearing-hooded-jacket-in-front-of-body-of-water-1172207/
One of the challenges that men face in general is learning how to share their experiences, challenges, and frustrations with other men. Often times it can feel intimidating to let another man in and share with that man what’s really going on underneath the surface. It also doesn’t help that often we’re encouraged to project a sense of false bravado and confidence that often people can see right through.
I was recently reading a book where the author also shared that another dilemma that many men face is one of how vulnerable they can really be with their families. When we’re wrestling with our shadows it can feel like we have to do this work alone and never show anyone what’s actually happening. The problem is that going it alone doesn’t work all that well. When I am doing the work alone I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling the doubts and fears and anxieties that inevitably come up with this work.
Shouldn’t I have it altogether like all the other people out there?
The truth is nobody has it altogether all the time. We may have moments where everything comes together effortlessly, but there are also moments where we don’t have it together. But when no one shares that they’re going through a rough time, its usually because of a fear of being judged and shamed. The sad thing is, that judgement and shame is already occurring on a deep level from the one person you need it the least from: Yourself.
The first time I realized I truly wasn’t alone was the first time I joined a circle of men and listened to the experiences of the other men and then shared my experiences. A thought went through my mind, like a lightning bolt: “I’m not alone. These men can relate to my experiences.”
I had never felt that way before, never really opened up to other people in my life. I had learned early on to keep myself guarded. I had learned that opening up just led to getting hurt and being ridiculed for being emotional, too self absorbed, or other comments made that tore me down. So I kept myself locked away, hurting on the inside, and trying to show a brave face to the outside, while hoping no one noticed how afraid I really was.
What I encountered in that circle of men was a normalization of my experience. Normalizing is the experience where people share their emotions and experiences and thoughts in a way that helps each person realize they are not alone and that what they are experiencing is actually normal. It helps us cut through the illusion of success that so many people try to project and get to the reality underneath.
And what’s fascinating is that when you get to the reality underneath and normalize the shadows that prey on all of us, you begin to discover real confidence and act on it. It’s not that that you banish your fear or that bad experiences go away. Even now I have days where I feel afraid or I struggle, but I don’t suffer in the same way because I know there are other people who can relate and hold the space with me. That makes the experience easier to handle than it would be otherwise.
When we normalize our experiences we become healthier and happier men because we aren’t holding in all the fears and insecurities and anxieties and stresses of life. We’re releasing them and stepping more fully into our power.
