Shame is one of the heaviest emotions and experiences a person can feel. It can become a background emotion that keeps a person in a bad place because of the messaging that comes along with that feeling of shame. Shame is distinct from guilt. If I feel guilty, I feel bad about something I’ve done. If I feel shame I feel bad about my identity and I take what I’m feeling make it personal to my identity. Neither feeling is necessarily easy to deal with, but guilt is easier to let go of, especially if the situation is addressed and resolved. Shame lingers. A person who feels shame can carry it with them because they’ve turned it into self-loathing. Shame kills the sense of self-worth a person has.
So what is the antidote to shame?
First I recommend looking at your messaging around the word should. Should is a shame word that can cause you to feel like you aren’t good enough. It’s telling you what you should do and there’s a judgement to what you should do, in regards to what you are actually doing.
Take a step back from that should word. Where is it coming from? Who is behind that messaging? Chances are your should is someone else’s voice telling you something about yourself. Is that message true or is it a projection you are giving power to? When we look at our shoulds with a bit of distance we can see that they are charged messages that have more to do with the judgement of other people than who we actually are. Let those judgements go and let go of the power behind that statement.
Another antidote to shame is the purposeful cultivation of self love. A self love practice may initially consist of telling yourself that you love yourself but can also evolve over time. For example, my self love practice includes stretches and exercises in the morning and kung fu in the evening so I can keep myself in good shape and because of how I physically feel. When you actively practice self love in your life this can go a long way toward helping you heal from shame.
A gratitude practice can also be helpful. Each night when I go to bed I review my day and what it is I am grateful for. This helps me put my day into perspective and part of my gratitude is toward myself, thanking myself for actions I took or other ways I showed up. By actively giving recognition to myself I am also orienting toward positive feelings about myself and this counteracts any shame I may be feeling.
Shame operates on stories about ourselves that we tell in order to punish ourselves. The punishment doesn’t help us feel better though. It reinforces the shame and damages our sense of self worth. The solution is to actively change our narrative and find ways to love ourselves and also change our thoughts and beliefs around the shoulds in our lives.
