What does it mean to be in integrity and alignment with your relationships? I explore why its essential for men to be in integrity with themselves, if they want to develop healthy relationships with other people. I explore how to come back into integrity and alignment with yourself and other people by being honest about what you are really experiencing. When you learn how to be honest with yourself and other people you step into powerful relationships.
Trust and Safety and Relationships
If you want a better relationship with your love, you need to understand the relationship between trust and safety and how this leads to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with your partner. In this video I explore the connection between trust and safety and share how that can lead to a stronger relationship for you and your partner.
What is intimacy?
What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.
How to get curious in your relationship (and get a better relationship as a result)
One of the book I’m reading is Love Between Equals (affiliate link) by Polly Young-Eisendrath. The author makes a very insightful point about how we engage our partners. Many times the engagement you have with your lover is one where you are caught up in your memories and triggers, which aren’t necessarily related to your partner but have been prompted by a conflict you are having. When this happens it can become very easy to withdraw into your shell and try to protect yourself by getting caught up in your own narrative about what that person has said or done.
This is a reactive form of thinking, feeling and experiencing, and its one ALL of us do at one time or another because we feel threatened or we’re having a bad day and we end up bringing that bad day into our home. When this happens it can be very easy to get caught up in the reaction, but that’s when we need to take a deep breath and ground our awareness in our sacred masculine energy so that we can do something very important: Get curious and open ourselves to listening and learning from the situation.
Getting curious means asking questions and listening with an open heart and mind. It also means not taking words that are expressed so personally that you make everything about you. Instead you get curious about what is actually happening and if you feel yourself starting to react, you acknowledge the reaction within you, but also set it aside because you know its your inner fear coming up and making an ass out of you.
Getting curious means you set aside your judgements of your partner and let go of the need to diagnose how they are behaving and instead show genuine compassion and concern for what is being shared, even if in the moment it feels like your sweetheart is attacking you. They may be genuinely upset with you, and this doesn’t mean you should be a punching bag and take verbal abuse, but it does mean that you make the choice to de-escalate the situation by showing that you are present and aware with the person you love.
When you ask questions and listen from a place of genuine curiosity and concern, these simple actions can show your lover that you care and want to address whatever is coming up with them. Stop and take a breath and direct your energy downward toward your belly and from there to your feet. Ground into the earth and then listen with an open heart and mind.
What is this person really saying?
What are the emotions they are expressing?
How can you acknowledge what they are sharing and speak to what is being said and unsaid?
Remember also that you don’t have to have an answer to the situation. Sometimes the best response is to just listen with an open mind and heart. Sometimes the best thing you could say is to ask a question or make an observation without trying to offer a solution…and if you want to offer a solution, ask the person first. They may not want a solution. They may just need someone to listen.
If you can do these actions your relationship with your love will improve significantly. When a person realizes that you are actually listening and really want to know their perspective and experience that alone can significantly defuse the situation and help all people feel empowered by the relationship.
Your life is more than your relationship
One of the mistakes I see men make (and one I’ve made myself at times) is that a man will focus so much on the romantic relationship he excludes everything else in his life. This is not a a healthy approach to romantic or any other types of relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person suppresses their own needs because they prioritize what they think the other person needs over their own needs. When a person lives for someone else’s happiness, they give up a vital part of themselves and it sours the relationship.
So why does someone do this? One reason can be poor self esteem, but another reason can also be that you feel more desire for the other person than they feel for you. Sometimes both reasons go hand in hand. Regardless of what the reason is, it can create significant problems if you don’t recognize the pattern and make changes.
The best recommendation I have is to spend time developing a relationship with the one you’re always with, and that person isn’t your significant other. That person is you. You are the most important person in your life and you’re the one person you’ll always be with, so spend time with yourself, discovering what you genuinely enjoy. By making quality time for yourself you can discover an essential truth of life: You can make it on your own and be happy being with yourself. This doesn’t mean you should breakup with your partner, but it does mean that you can recognize that life will go on and there will be good times.
So often we hold romantic relationships up as the holy grail for a person to aspire to, but while it can be wonderful to be with someone, a relationship ought to enhance your life, not become your life. When a man makes a relationship more important than anything else, he can lose the respect of his partner. His partner wants a person with a spine, who has his own interests and activity and can be independent, but also know when to make time for romantic and practical considerations.
In most of my relationships I have been fairly independent. I’ve worked on my writing projects and pursued other activities such as going to the gym and martial arts, but there have been times where I’ve subsumed my identity in favor of the person I was with. I think this is a normal part of relationships to some degree. There are times where you may need to prioritize your significant other(s) because they are going through some experience or because you’ve made plans, but its also important to keep some balance and perspective.
You can do this by pursuing your own hobbies but also making time with friends, family, and community. You can also do this by continuing to cultivate your own interest and activities so that when you come back into the orbit of your sweetheart you have something interesting to share and appreciate about each other. You are more than your relationship. So is your life…and when you appreciate that, you’ll also appreciate yourself, your sweetie and your relationship more.
The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Part 1 - Love
I’ve been working on developing an Ethos that describes the vision and work of the Sacred Masculine. In this next series of posts I’m going to share with you what that Ethos is and why its significant to the work all men need to do to transform their lives.
The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Quest - Part 1 Love
We have been taught to give away our love to other people and also been taught that the only love which has value is love that is given to us by other people.
A man in touch with his sacred masculine power knows better. He knows that love starts from within. He might experience someone else loving him, and he might love someone else, but until he learns how to love himself he will not be able to fully show up for anyone else.
Love yourself unapologetically, choose yourself unapologetically, Respect yourself unapologetically and the world will fall in love with you, choose you, respect you and open the doors of possibility and opportunity for you.
Love another person but balance that love with your love of yourself. You deserve the best from yourself and you cannot give your best to anyone else until you value yourself.
You are worthy of being loved by yourself. You are worthy of being valued by yourself. You are worthy of saying I have value and I choose to value myself.
I have loved others and given them my heart and my soul in a way that put those people on a pedestal and put myself in a place where I could be stepped on.
I am not doing that now though. I'm not doing that ever again...I know my worth and I choose to let go of the pedestal, the objectification, and also the diminution of all involved.
I love myself and I give myself my heart and soul and hold it in sacred keeping for the person or people who honor my heart and soul and recognize the precious gift I give of presence and passion, love and desire, devotion and honor.
They may share in the warmth of my heart and the light of my soul, the creative depth of my intelligence, the spiritual energy of my magic and the fierce life force of my body...and know what a gift it is to be in presence and power with me.
Even as I know in turn, they are also giving me the gift of presence with their heart, soul, intelligence, spiritual force and life fire.
Self love is the magic that continually transforms my life and the way I show up boldly and bravely for myself, my purpose, my missions, my passion and for the depth I bring to the world around me.
Love yourself my brothers and the world will open its heart to you and reveal its mysteries and secrets.
How to recognize when you love someone too much
Can you love someone else too much? In this video I share why its important to balance the love you feel for other people with love for yourself and share how to recognize when love is unbalanced and can actually harm the relationships you have with other people.