I discuss the bear in the forest meme and share some thoughts around how men’s awareness around their own entitlement and relationship with women needs to fundamentally change. This meme is an indicator of that need for change.
Why are you changing your life?
Why are you changing your life and your identity? These are important questions to consider, especially in relationship to the other people in your life. The right motivation and intent is essential when it comes to making changes in your life that will be beneficial for you and the people you choose to share your time with. Why are you changing…we’ll explore that question in today’s video.
How to use conflict to create deeper trust in your relationships
Men try to avoid conflict in the home, wanting to have a harmonious and peaceful space. I share why avoiding conflict doesn’t work and how it actually kills your relationships. If you want to build trust and intimacy you have to learn how to navigate the storms that inevitably come up. It’s not about winning arguments or being right…it’s about learning how to collaborate through the conflict.
How to Father yourself (and why you need to)
When I was growing up I had an absentee father. He often traveled during the week for his job and when he did come home, he parked himself in front of the TV with a drink in hand and didn’t want to be bothered. On the occasions when he and I interacted it was more often than not because he was called in to punish me, which usually consisted of a combination of mental and physical punishments. I grew up and eventually had a better relationship with my dad, but I never really knew him or knew how to interact with him. My relationship with other boys and later men was one of distrust. I didn’t trust men because I didn’t trust the person who was my father.
Eventually I learned to trust men, but I realized that I still didn’t trust the energy of the father. The father, as an archetype, felt like a patriarchal oppressor who tried to dominate and control everyone around him and did his best to suppress his son out of a need to control him. When I recognized this about my relationship with paternal energy, I began to also see how this distrust played itself out in interactions I had with other men in any role that vaguely resembled a father figure. The question I faced was how to heal my relationship with the father archetype while also disassociating that energy from other men. I didn’t want to project my father issues on other men, and I was realizing that I was doing that sometimes.
My solution to the issue involved learning to parent my inner child the way I had wanted to be parented by my father. I had to father myself, and in the process heal the wounds I had around the father archetype. Some men heal these wounds by having children of their own and making the choice to be a different father than the one they grew up with. I chose not to have kids because I didn’t want to be a father. Ironically I was a step parent for a time, but that experience confirmed that I wasn’t the type of person who ought to be a parent. I had to take a different approach to heal my wounds around the father archetype.
I started my process by doing some pathworking and parts work with my inner boy. In those processes, I asked him what he needed from me. In one case, what he needed from me was to know that I would keep him safe by staying committed to my choices and following through on those actions. He also needed to know that I would still make time to play because play was essential for his happiness and when I worked all the time, it reminded him of my dad. Making the effort to reassure that part of myself helped it feel like it didn’t need to protect me from possible choices. It allowed me to step up and follow through on my mission and purpose.
I am continuing to father myself and in that process I’m getting better at recognizing when someone triggers a reaction that’s based on my projections around my father, both positively and negatively. These realizations provide me another opportunity to father myself because when I react to someone that brings up energy around the father archetype, I can examine my projection, separate it from the person and father my inner child while also releasing the charge around that other person. This is helping me change my relationships with people in my life, while also healing my relationship with my inner child AND my inner father.
Sometimes we can’t heal the relationships we had with people in our lives. That doesn’t mean we can’t do some kind of work that brings an element of healing in our lives. By working with inner our inner child, inner parent, etc., and recognizing when we are projecting onto other people, we can transform our relationship with ourselves and the people around us. If that’s something you need help with, contact me for a sacred masculinity coaching session and we can take a look at doing this work together.
Finding Balance in Relationship pt 2: How to become a better listener
Picture courtesy of Pexels
One of the most important skills you can learn in relationship to your romantic lover, but also with people in general is how to become a better listener. Men in particular need to cultivate this skill, because we’ve been enculturated to speak up and not listen as much as we need to. Listening can also be hard, if you find yourself feeling triggered and reactive because of what someone else said. Nonetheless if you want to truly develop an intimate and loving relationship and reap the rewards of that relationship, listening is an essential skill.
When you are truly listening to someone, you need to listen with intent. This means you aren’t thinking of an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead you’re really listening to what they are saying and letting what is said land with you. You may have a reaction to what is shared, but you are able to recognize the reaction and set it aside so you can focus on the actual message. This is not always easy to do, and you will have moments where you aren’t able to listen as well as you could because of whatever reactions are coming up for you.
A good practice to help you with listening is to ask questions. When you ask questions you allow yourself to get curious about what you’re hearing. It gives you a chance to learn more and understand what your partner is sharing with you. It can also help your partner feel heard and recognized, which is important when you’re having tough conversations about topics that are near and dear to both of your hearts.
Another good practice is to make sure you listen without trying to problem solve. Your initial thought on hearing what the other person says may be to come up with a solution for the problem. Unless that person has asked for advice or a solution, don’t offer a solution. They may just want someone to listen to them about whatever the problem is. If you take the time to listen, you may find that the other person finds their own solution and its likely a better one than any you could come up with. And if they want your advice they’ll ask for it and you can offer it, without being obnoxious in the process.
When I listen to my love, I ground myself as much as possible. I listen with intent to be present with her and with awareness of both her and my emotional landscape. I don’t always succeed, but 9 times out of 10 I do well with listening to her because I focus on making sure she feels heard and seen. I know there’s room for improvement and I’m continuing to work on myself.
If you’ve really broken up with someone or you’ve had a moment of clarity about yourself and you recognize that you need to make some changes in your life, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, in which we’ll explore how to transform your relationship with yourself so you can show up better in your relationship with other people.
What is intimacy?
What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.
How to forgive yourself
When we don’t forgive ourselves we can’t move forward in our lives, because we carry the burden of our pain as a judgement against ourselves. I share how to forgive yourself and why its important for you to do this in order to heal from your past relationships and other cycles that may be holding you back from living your best life and embracing your sacred masculine power.
How to recognize when you are burning out
January is a month where I have to slow down what I do in my life because of the demands of my day job. I provide technical support for financial software for businesses, which translates into mandatory overtime and dealing with stressed out people. By the end of my working day I’m usually emotionally and mentally tapped. What I have learned to do is slow down during January and accept that what I usually do in terms of writing and other content creation simply isn’t going to happen to the same degree as it happens the rest of the year.
It’s important to recognize when you could be headed toward burnout. When you recognize that you are starting to burnout you can take preventative measures but the most important you can take is to actually yourself to have the space to reset and recharge. So often we are told to be productive, to always be doing some activity, but sometimes what we really need to do is slow down and pace ourselves.
I call this slowing down wintering and it is the deliberate cultivation of a state of slowing down and taking care of yourself instead of trying to do all the things. What I’ve learned to do is integrate wintering into they rhythm of my life so that I know when to slow down instead of continually trying to be productive. By learning how to pace myself, I maintain a state of well being that helps me avoid burnout because I proactively slow down.
You can take the same approach in your own life. Review the cycles of your life. If there are points in the cycle of a given year where you find yourself busier in one area of your life, it can be really helpful to slow down in other areas of your life. You can also do the same activity with your day. For example, I meditate during my lunch. This helps me to slow down during my busy days and gives me time to reset and recover.
There can be a lot of pressure to be on all the time, but you don’t have to be on all time and its not actually helpful to be on all the time. When you are burning out, its because you’re having to be on all the time. Turn off and allow yourself the necessity of rest and of doing activities that nourish you. If you do this proactively you won’t burnout because you’ll be taking care of yourself in a way where you preserve your creativity, well-being and overall focus.
One of the best ways you can take care of yourself the other people in your life is making the choice to deliberately create habits of rest and rejuvenation. When you take a nap or go for a walk or do some other activity that isn’t “productive” keep in mind that it actually feeds your productivity, because it gives you the break you need to have in order to recharge yourself.
How to get curious in your relationship (and get a better relationship as a result)
One of the book I’m reading is Love Between Equals (affiliate link) by Polly Young-Eisendrath. The author makes a very insightful point about how we engage our partners. Many times the engagement you have with your lover is one where you are caught up in your memories and triggers, which aren’t necessarily related to your partner but have been prompted by a conflict you are having. When this happens it can become very easy to withdraw into your shell and try to protect yourself by getting caught up in your own narrative about what that person has said or done.
This is a reactive form of thinking, feeling and experiencing, and its one ALL of us do at one time or another because we feel threatened or we’re having a bad day and we end up bringing that bad day into our home. When this happens it can be very easy to get caught up in the reaction, but that’s when we need to take a deep breath and ground our awareness in our sacred masculine energy so that we can do something very important: Get curious and open ourselves to listening and learning from the situation.
Getting curious means asking questions and listening with an open heart and mind. It also means not taking words that are expressed so personally that you make everything about you. Instead you get curious about what is actually happening and if you feel yourself starting to react, you acknowledge the reaction within you, but also set it aside because you know its your inner fear coming up and making an ass out of you.
Getting curious means you set aside your judgements of your partner and let go of the need to diagnose how they are behaving and instead show genuine compassion and concern for what is being shared, even if in the moment it feels like your sweetheart is attacking you. They may be genuinely upset with you, and this doesn’t mean you should be a punching bag and take verbal abuse, but it does mean that you make the choice to de-escalate the situation by showing that you are present and aware with the person you love.
When you ask questions and listen from a place of genuine curiosity and concern, these simple actions can show your lover that you care and want to address whatever is coming up with them. Stop and take a breath and direct your energy downward toward your belly and from there to your feet. Ground into the earth and then listen with an open heart and mind.
What is this person really saying?
What are the emotions they are expressing?
How can you acknowledge what they are sharing and speak to what is being said and unsaid?
Remember also that you don’t have to have an answer to the situation. Sometimes the best response is to just listen with an open mind and heart. Sometimes the best thing you could say is to ask a question or make an observation without trying to offer a solution…and if you want to offer a solution, ask the person first. They may not want a solution. They may just need someone to listen.
If you can do these actions your relationship with your love will improve significantly. When a person realizes that you are actually listening and really want to know their perspective and experience that alone can significantly defuse the situation and help all people feel empowered by the relationship.
How to stop being lonely when you are alone
One of the challenges that men face is how to deal with feeling lonely, when you are alone. A lot of men try to find someone to make that feeling of loneliness go away, but the best approach is to learn how to be with yourself and connect with your community. I share my own story and work around loneliness and how I have learned to be more comfortable with it.
The Power of Habits and How to Apply them to your Life
Our habits make or break us. These are patterned choices of life we make and each time we choose a habit it either supports us or takes us down. Learn how to apply habits to your life.
The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine pt 5: Master your mind, move your body, Grow your spirit
Stop stagnating in your cubicle. Get up and move! A man who isn't moving is a man who is dying on the inside.
Stand up, shake your legs, do some exercises and if people look at you weird, ignore them. This isn't about them. This is about you getting in touch with your body and accessing your primal strength and being.
Master your mind. You might have thoughts going off in your head and emotions rattling you all over the place, and if you let those thoughts and emotions control you then you will always be at their mercy.
Meditate, go to therapy, do your inner work to master your inner reality and create the external reality.
Grow your spirit - What are your passions? What is your purpose? What meaning gets you up and excited. You have to grow your spirit and you do that by discovering and living your mission and purpose.
Be a well rounded individual - Pursue your hobbies, do meaningful work and cultivate deep relationship with yourself and others but most of all master yourself so you can master your life!
How to recognize when you love someone too much
Can you love someone else too much? In this video I share why its important to balance the love you feel for other people with love for yourself and share how to recognize when love is unbalanced and can actually harm the relationships you have with other people.
How to inspire confidence in yourself
One of the challenges many men face is a lack of confidence and self-esteem. We end up looking for it in all the wrong places, hoping that if we please other people enough, if we make them more important than anything else we’ll get liked, but this has the opposite effect. We lose the respect of other people when we become people pleasers and in the process we lose respect for ourselves. In this video I share how to inspire confidence in yourself and stop relying on other people so much.
What does it mean to love yourself?
If we want to be loved, we must learn how to love ourselves. One of the challenges many men face is that they look for love and validation from other people, but there will never be enough love and validation from someone else, if we don’t make the choice to love and validate ourselves. I get real and share some of my own journey around this work.
Do you feel safe?
This is one of the hardest questions men never ask themselves, but it is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself. What does it mean to feel safe? What is safety? How do we find it in our lives? Let's go on a quest and explore these questions!
What is your Definition of Success?
Men are raised to be competitive and to strive for success, but what is success and what does it mean to be successful? Many of us live in a rat race world, always trying to get ahead, but can there be more to life that that? I bust open the myth of success and share why living a meaningful life isn’t about how much money you make or how hard you work. I also discuss what real success can look like.
How to become detached from rejection
Everyday you face rejection. Whether you're asking someone out on a date, getting an idea rejected, or dealing with criticism at home or work, you are getting rejected. If you can learn how not to take rejection personally, you can discover how to persevere and get what you really want from life and from the relationships you are in, and develop self love and acceptance in the process.
Why Men must learn how to choose themselves
Photo by Mental Health America (MHA): https://www.pexels.com/photo/smiling-man-looking-at-himself-in-a-mirror-5543538/
One of the practices that I learned last year was a practice of self-love that I began to apply to myself because I recognized how much I didn’t love myself. What I didn’t realize at the time, but have since come to recognize is how this lack of self-love is ingrained in us by a belief that we have to find love somewhere else and that the love we find will somehow redeem us for being who and what we are.
The myth that love is redemptive is a dangerous myth because it causes us to look for a mythical other in the belief that this mythical other will somehow save us from ourselves. But there is nothing to be saved or redeemed. We are whole as we are and if we can embrace that truth it can allow us to learn how to choose ourselves instead of positioning ourselves to choose someone else, and in the process losing our self respect and identity because we orient toward people pleasing that other person, who also loses respect for us because of the people pleasing.
The truth is that no person wants to be put on a pedestal or made the center of someone else’s universe. When we make the fatal mistake of doing so, we lose something significant in the process, the sense of identity that is essential to living a good life. And perhaps someone who puts someone else on a pedestal never really had that identity. We aren’t taught to value ourselves and when you aren’t taught to value yourself it is very easy to ascribe any sense of value toward someone else.
So how do you learn to value yourself?
First and foremost recognize that your partner cannot fill in the gap of emptiness in your life. If you put that pressure on them it creates a tension that hurts your relationship and causes them to lose respect as they recognize that you don’t have the capacity to take care of yourself.
The person who fills the gap of emptiness in your life is yourself. This starts with learning to love and like yourself. One practice I do is say I love myself out loud. Another practice I do is to say aloud a vow I’ve made to myself, and in the process remind myself what is really important in my life.
Another way you learn to value yourself is through the associations you make with other people in your life. Instead of just focusing on the primary relationship of your life, it’s good to branch out and connect with other friends. I go to a Kung Fu studio three days a week and connect with friends there. I go for hikes with friends and spend time with other men, in particular because it creates a a system of support that enables me to flourish and reinforces the self love I feel for myself…and also allows me to love other people in a way that doesn’t put them on a pedestal but instead celebrates the relationship as a reciprocal one where value is shared in the activities we do and the ways we support each other.
Choosing yourself also means choosing to pursue the life you want to live. So often we will sacrifice our deepest desires and wants on the altar of relationship or family, but that sacrifice is not worth the ensuing misery that occurs when you are trying to please someone else in the hopes of getting something they can’t or won’t provide you.
When you choose to live your life unapologetically, you are choosing yourself. When you choose to pursue what brings you to life, what excites and inspires you, you are choosing yourself. We have to learn how to choose ourselves and then continually choose ourselves and what brings us purpose and meaning. When we do that, we give ourselves the love and respect that provides a healthy foundation for any other relationship we may choose to have, because we will always remember that any other relationship must come secondary to the relationship we have with ourselves.
One Year Anniversary Retrospective
It’s been one year since I made the spiritual commitment to work with the sacred masculine. I share what I have learned in this last year, talk about the experiences I’ve had and discuss how I’m moving forward with this work in my life.