Nice Guys have porous boundaries. They end up being walked all over, and they act out their anger and resentment instead of expressing it cleanly. I share why having clear boundaries can help you take back your personal sense of power, while also creating safer relationships for everyone involved.
Mature Masculinity Podcast: How to recognize your entitlement
In this episode I share how to recognize your entitlement, i.e. the covert contracts that have transactive expectations built into them.
We all have them. All of us, at one time or another, having entitlement and that entitlement can poison your relationship with yourself and with the people who are important to you..
By learning how to recognize your entitlement, you can also learn how to share what you truly need, want, or long for in a real and genuine way. Watch it below or listen on spotify.
How to unlock the door to your own cage
One of the ways men are socialized is to lock their emotions and thoughts in a cage, the cage they construct to protect themselves from the world. The problem with this cage is that it keeps everyone out, and the man locked in. It creates an isolating experience that can numb a man because he doesn’t know who to let in or trust, and he doesn’t feel like he can let anyone in.
I remember feeling that way in my own life. I had put walls up around myself and I would only let someone in so far, before I shut them out. I couldn’t share my emotions or have uncomfortable conversations. I shied away from getting into conflict, because I just wanted everything to be harmonious, but at the same time, within myself there was a tempest of emotions and thoughts I wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else about.
In that kind of situation, it can feel like you are inside a cage. That cage is partially of your own making and partially a consequence of patriarchal indoctrination which convinces boys and men that in order to fit in they have to lock their emotions down. It’s hard to live in that cage, because it makes us small and traps us in a place where we can’t relate to other people around us. It’s a cage that can ultimately kill a man, because it locks the man down from the full expression of his being.
Even though we are in the cage, we have the power to do something about it. We can let ourselves out of the cage we’ve locked ourselves in. That’s sounds simple enough, but actually getting ourselves out of that cage can take some work.
I remember the first time I really allowed myself out of my cage. It was when I was attending a men’s circle for the first time. I had never attended a men’s circle before and I was nervous. If I shared what I was going through and what I was feeling, would the other men make fun of me and put me down? Still I made myself go. I wasn’t the first man to speak that night or even the second or third, but as I heard each man share their emotions and what they were going through I felt like the door to my cage swung open. I wasn’t alone.
I knew I could step out of that cage. I knew all I had to do was speak up and share what was going for me and I could take my first step out of that cage. So I did it. I spoke up and shared some feelings and experiences and even though it was scary in the moment, it was also liberating. I took my first step out of that cage that I had built around myself.
I didn’t share everything in my heart that night. It took me a few months before I got to that point, but when I finally, fully opened up in a men’s circle I felt supported by the men that were there. None of them judged me for my mistakes, my emotions, my thoughts or everything else I had been keeping buried within me. They just listened and heard and witnessed me. It was freeing.
If you’re feeling locked up in a cage within your own life and you don’t feel like you can let anyone in, I want to encourage you to join a men’s circle. There is something really empowering about sharing your space with other men and letting them bear witness to your truth. Men need each other to unlock the doors of the cages we’ve constructed about ourselves. We need to know we’re not alone and know that we can share who we are without having to filter it. We’ve been taught to filter who we are, but being part of a men’s circle can help you stop filtering yourself. It can help you rediscover the genuine person within.
How I'm learning to love being single
I recently became single again, and just as with the last time, I wisely committed myself to being single for at least 6 months, if not longer, because I knew I needed to make space to grieve for the relationship, process anything else that came up, and also rediscover myself outside of being in relationship with someone else.
I’m finding that I’m really enjoying being single. In my twenties and thirties I was filled with a sense of desperation. I had to find my person, or people, because being single meant having to be with me, and that wasn’t something I wanted. It wasn’t the healthiest attitude to have toward myself, but I think a lot of people filled with self loathing operate in a similar way. We try to find a panacea for the condition of our lives, little realizing that the true panacea is only found within.
This isn’t to say that relationship doesn’t have its purpose. It surely does and it can be transformative, nurturing and healing to be with someone else. It can also be a lot of work. Relationships have their place in our lives and hopefully we find that person or people who we can joyfully engage with and learn from, conflict with and grow wiser in the process.
But there is something joyful about being in relationship with myself as well. This latest iteration of singlehood has become an adventure for me, especially as I’ve reached out to my different communities and connected with them even more deeply.
So often if a person is single, its treated as if being single is a state of being that ought to be avoided, because you’ll be lonely. But being single doesn’t have to be that way. I am single, but I don’t feel lonely. I can pick up the phone and talk with someone or text and know that someone is around. I can go to events around town and see someone I know or meet new people and enjoy the experience. Or I can take myself on a date and appreciate the opportunity to do something fun with me.
Embrace being single. It can be an adventure. It can be an opportunity to fall deeply in love with the one person who will never be out of your life: Yourself!
How being clingy kills your chemistry
Nice guys are needy men. One of the ways they are needy comes in the form of clinginess. In this episode I break down what clinginess can look like and how you can recognize it in yourself. I also share some ideas on how to work on addressing your clinginess and letting go of your neediness.
What is Safety?
What is safety? What does it mean to be safe? With yourself, another person, or in general? I answer these questions as I explore what it means to be safe to me, as a man, and I examine the assumptions that men make about a sense of safety and why that can be so problematic. I share some personal example of own work around safety.
The bear in the forest meme
I discuss the bear in the forest meme and share some thoughts around how men’s awareness around their own entitlement and relationship with women needs to fundamentally change. This meme is an indicator of that need for change.
5 tips for handling conflict in relationship
In a given relationship, conflict is inevitable. However the way each person approaches conflict can shape how that conflict is resolved and what the outcome is for the overall relationship. Both (or more) partners need to learn essential skills for handling conflict, or risk the health of the relationship as well as their own emotional health. Before I get into the 5 tips for handling conflict, I want to speak to the red flags around conflict in relationship. The red flags for conflict are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism: When someone offers criticism without a solution it creates conflict. The person offering the criticism wants a different action, but what the offer with their criticism isn’t helpful because it tears the person down. There is a difference between negative criticism and constructive criticism, but when the former is offered it shuts conversations down instead of creating opportunities to discover solutions together.
Contempt: When someone expresses contempt, it is usually in the form of sarcastic comments and humor that makes a joke at the expense of the person it’s being leveled at. Contempt can come in other flavors as well. If you’re in an argument and the person is making it personal by commenting on you and putting you down its usually because the person has a lot of resentment and judgement. Contempt erodes respect and eventually causes both people to become harsh.
Defensiveness: When a person is defensive, they’re not listening to what the other person is saying or trying to understand their point of view. They are focused on defending their own position and protecting themselves in the process, and as a result they’re closed off from having conversations that can resolve the conflict.
Stonewalling: When I stonewall someone, I am shutting them out entirely and putting a wall up to keep them out. Ironically a person who is stonewalling is also keeping themselves out. A person who is stonewalling is shut down and flooded and unwilling to engage.
You probably recognize some of these behaviors in your own conflicts with your partner. If you’ve gone through a breakup, when you review that breakup you’ll likely find that all of these behaviors played a role in the conflicts you were having. So how do you handle conflict so that you don’t have these kinds of interactions.
My first tip is to take some deep grounding breaths. When you are in a conflict, you may find yourself taking shallower breaths. Pause and take a deeper breath. It will feel uncomfortable, because you’ll be feeling your body more fully as well as the emotions in your body. Keep breathing and ground yourself into the breath. This will help you be present with your emotions as well as the other person. When I am in a conflict and I take the time to breathe it also helps me slow down my thoughts and focus on the environment instead of getting stuck in my head.
My second tip is to look the other person in the eyes. This might seem like an aggressive move, but typically in conflicts people won’t look at each other. When you make the effort to look at someone in the eyes, you are seeing that person and that reminds you to see the person instead of paying attention to what you might be projecting on the person.
My third tip is to focus the conversation on what’s being said about the problem, versus the person. It can be really easy to make it about the person, but whatever the issue is, its betters to focus on that topic. If you find yourself making it personal, take a moment to pause and think through what you’re saying. A lot of conflict can be defused by focusing on the problem and getting curious about what’s underneath the problem, but this can’t occur if you’re making it personal.
My fourth tip is to know when to take a break from the conflict. It’s perfectly reasonable to take a break and it can actually give both people perspective. I go for a walk when I get to a place where I can’t continue the conversation. It gives me a chance to regroup and think through what I’ve heard and felt, as well as my own thoughts. When I come back, I’m calmer and more focused.
My fifth tip is to make sure you have more positive communication than negative communication. It take approximately 5 positive interactions to counteract 1 negative interaction. If you are consistently more negative than positive this will hurt your relationships, but if you make the effort to communicate in a positive way most of the time this will inoculate your relationship from negativity and help you navigate conflicts differently. When I am in conflict, I make a point to acknowledge the conflict, but stay positive about my partner.
What tips do you have for navigating conflicts? Leave a comment below and share them with the other readers.
Integrity and Alignment in Relationships
What does it mean to be in integrity and alignment with your relationships? I explore why its essential for men to be in integrity with themselves, if they want to develop healthy relationships with other people. I explore how to come back into integrity and alignment with yourself and other people by being honest about what you are really experiencing. When you learn how to be honest with yourself and other people you step into powerful relationships.
Trust and Safety and Relationships
If you want a better relationship with your love, you need to understand the relationship between trust and safety and how this leads to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with your partner. In this video I explore the connection between trust and safety and share how that can lead to a stronger relationship for you and your partner.
Finding Balance in Relationship pt 2: How to become a better listener
Picture courtesy of Pexels
One of the most important skills you can learn in relationship to your romantic lover, but also with people in general is how to become a better listener. Men in particular need to cultivate this skill, because we’ve been enculturated to speak up and not listen as much as we need to. Listening can also be hard, if you find yourself feeling triggered and reactive because of what someone else said. Nonetheless if you want to truly develop an intimate and loving relationship and reap the rewards of that relationship, listening is an essential skill.
When you are truly listening to someone, you need to listen with intent. This means you aren’t thinking of an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead you’re really listening to what they are saying and letting what is said land with you. You may have a reaction to what is shared, but you are able to recognize the reaction and set it aside so you can focus on the actual message. This is not always easy to do, and you will have moments where you aren’t able to listen as well as you could because of whatever reactions are coming up for you.
A good practice to help you with listening is to ask questions. When you ask questions you allow yourself to get curious about what you’re hearing. It gives you a chance to learn more and understand what your partner is sharing with you. It can also help your partner feel heard and recognized, which is important when you’re having tough conversations about topics that are near and dear to both of your hearts.
Another good practice is to make sure you listen without trying to problem solve. Your initial thought on hearing what the other person says may be to come up with a solution for the problem. Unless that person has asked for advice or a solution, don’t offer a solution. They may just want someone to listen to them about whatever the problem is. If you take the time to listen, you may find that the other person finds their own solution and its likely a better one than any you could come up with. And if they want your advice they’ll ask for it and you can offer it, without being obnoxious in the process.
When I listen to my love, I ground myself as much as possible. I listen with intent to be present with her and with awareness of both her and my emotional landscape. I don’t always succeed, but 9 times out of 10 I do well with listening to her because I focus on making sure she feels heard and seen. I know there’s room for improvement and I’m continuing to work on myself.
If you’ve really broken up with someone or you’ve had a moment of clarity about yourself and you recognize that you need to make some changes in your life, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, in which we’ll explore how to transform your relationship with yourself so you can show up better in your relationship with other people.
What is intimacy?
What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.
How to get curious in your relationship (and get a better relationship as a result)
One of the book I’m reading is Love Between Equals (affiliate link) by Polly Young-Eisendrath. The author makes a very insightful point about how we engage our partners. Many times the engagement you have with your lover is one where you are caught up in your memories and triggers, which aren’t necessarily related to your partner but have been prompted by a conflict you are having. When this happens it can become very easy to withdraw into your shell and try to protect yourself by getting caught up in your own narrative about what that person has said or done.
This is a reactive form of thinking, feeling and experiencing, and its one ALL of us do at one time or another because we feel threatened or we’re having a bad day and we end up bringing that bad day into our home. When this happens it can be very easy to get caught up in the reaction, but that’s when we need to take a deep breath and ground our awareness in our sacred masculine energy so that we can do something very important: Get curious and open ourselves to listening and learning from the situation.
Getting curious means asking questions and listening with an open heart and mind. It also means not taking words that are expressed so personally that you make everything about you. Instead you get curious about what is actually happening and if you feel yourself starting to react, you acknowledge the reaction within you, but also set it aside because you know its your inner fear coming up and making an ass out of you.
Getting curious means you set aside your judgements of your partner and let go of the need to diagnose how they are behaving and instead show genuine compassion and concern for what is being shared, even if in the moment it feels like your sweetheart is attacking you. They may be genuinely upset with you, and this doesn’t mean you should be a punching bag and take verbal abuse, but it does mean that you make the choice to de-escalate the situation by showing that you are present and aware with the person you love.
When you ask questions and listen from a place of genuine curiosity and concern, these simple actions can show your lover that you care and want to address whatever is coming up with them. Stop and take a breath and direct your energy downward toward your belly and from there to your feet. Ground into the earth and then listen with an open heart and mind.
What is this person really saying?
What are the emotions they are expressing?
How can you acknowledge what they are sharing and speak to what is being said and unsaid?
Remember also that you don’t have to have an answer to the situation. Sometimes the best response is to just listen with an open mind and heart. Sometimes the best thing you could say is to ask a question or make an observation without trying to offer a solution…and if you want to offer a solution, ask the person first. They may not want a solution. They may just need someone to listen.
If you can do these actions your relationship with your love will improve significantly. When a person realizes that you are actually listening and really want to know their perspective and experience that alone can significantly defuse the situation and help all people feel empowered by the relationship.
Your life is more than your relationship
One of the mistakes I see men make (and one I’ve made myself at times) is that a man will focus so much on the romantic relationship he excludes everything else in his life. This is not a a healthy approach to romantic or any other types of relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person suppresses their own needs because they prioritize what they think the other person needs over their own needs. When a person lives for someone else’s happiness, they give up a vital part of themselves and it sours the relationship.
So why does someone do this? One reason can be poor self esteem, but another reason can also be that you feel more desire for the other person than they feel for you. Sometimes both reasons go hand in hand. Regardless of what the reason is, it can create significant problems if you don’t recognize the pattern and make changes.
The best recommendation I have is to spend time developing a relationship with the one you’re always with, and that person isn’t your significant other. That person is you. You are the most important person in your life and you’re the one person you’ll always be with, so spend time with yourself, discovering what you genuinely enjoy. By making quality time for yourself you can discover an essential truth of life: You can make it on your own and be happy being with yourself. This doesn’t mean you should breakup with your partner, but it does mean that you can recognize that life will go on and there will be good times.
So often we hold romantic relationships up as the holy grail for a person to aspire to, but while it can be wonderful to be with someone, a relationship ought to enhance your life, not become your life. When a man makes a relationship more important than anything else, he can lose the respect of his partner. His partner wants a person with a spine, who has his own interests and activity and can be independent, but also know when to make time for romantic and practical considerations.
In most of my relationships I have been fairly independent. I’ve worked on my writing projects and pursued other activities such as going to the gym and martial arts, but there have been times where I’ve subsumed my identity in favor of the person I was with. I think this is a normal part of relationships to some degree. There are times where you may need to prioritize your significant other(s) because they are going through some experience or because you’ve made plans, but its also important to keep some balance and perspective.
You can do this by pursuing your own hobbies but also making time with friends, family, and community. You can also do this by continuing to cultivate your own interest and activities so that when you come back into the orbit of your sweetheart you have something interesting to share and appreciate about each other. You are more than your relationship. So is your life…and when you appreciate that, you’ll also appreciate yourself, your sweetie and your relationship more.
How to recognize when you love someone too much
Can you love someone else too much? In this video I share why its important to balance the love you feel for other people with love for yourself and share how to recognize when love is unbalanced and can actually harm the relationships you have with other people.
How to be Present and Grounded with Yourself and Your Partner
Learn how to be present and grounded within yourself and with your partner in any situation that may arise.. Learning these skills can help you become a grounded man who is comfortable in his ability to show up and lead.
