Why should a man do men’s work? What is the benefit of working on yourself? I answer these questions and more as we explore why men’s work can be so important to your overall well being and the health of your relationships.
Why Doing Men's Work Requires Other Men
Men need other men when doing the inner work they do around masculinity. I break down why this is so essential and why you don’t have to be alone in order to do this work.
The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Pt 4: Honor the fellowship of other men and make it part of your life
The men in your life create the container of safety for you to become a stronger man.
For most of my life, I didn't trust other men. I had a couple of male friends, but with other man I perceived them as competition on every level and as a result I might be friendly, but I distrusted them.
I didn't realize how this attitude was inculcated by patriarchal thinking. Patriarchal thinking tells men to compete with each other and a result it causes men to lose out a sacred and significant aspect of relationship:
The fellowship and brotherhood that all men need with each other.
I started trusting other men when I discovered how many other men were in similar situations like me. I started trusting other men when I saw other men doing the kind of internal work I was doing, because they wanted to show up in their lives in a different way. I started trusting other men when I recognized they were just as lonely and unhappy with their lives as I was.
Now I trust other men that I know are doing the work. I've got their backs and they've got mine and there is something so empowering about being able to open to another man and connect on every level, knowing there is an essential trust and brotherhood between us.
Men need friendship and brotherhood with other men. When you connect comfortably with other men you know those men will help you no matter what the situation is. You also know you'll help them no matter what the situation is.
When I started connecting with other men authentically they brought a level of accountability into my life I needed and pushed me to be true to my mission and purpose. They helped me transform my life in a way where I have become more driven and focused than ever on what really matters to me.
And I'm doing the same for those men I am in fellowship.
You are your brother's keeper. Watch out for your brothers and they will do the same for you.
How normalization of our experiences can help us become healthier and happier men
Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-wearing-hooded-jacket-in-front-of-body-of-water-1172207/
One of the challenges that men face in general is learning how to share their experiences, challenges, and frustrations with other men. Often times it can feel intimidating to let another man in and share with that man what’s really going on underneath the surface. It also doesn’t help that often we’re encouraged to project a sense of false bravado and confidence that often people can see right through.
I was recently reading a book where the author also shared that another dilemma that many men face is one of how vulnerable they can really be with their families. When we’re wrestling with our shadows it can feel like we have to do this work alone and never show anyone what’s actually happening. The problem is that going it alone doesn’t work all that well. When I am doing the work alone I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling the doubts and fears and anxieties that inevitably come up with this work.
Shouldn’t I have it altogether like all the other people out there?
The truth is nobody has it altogether all the time. We may have moments where everything comes together effortlessly, but there are also moments where we don’t have it together. But when no one shares that they’re going through a rough time, its usually because of a fear of being judged and shamed. The sad thing is, that judgement and shame is already occurring on a deep level from the one person you need it the least from: Yourself.
The first time I realized I truly wasn’t alone was the first time I joined a circle of men and listened to the experiences of the other men and then shared my experiences. A thought went through my mind, like a lightning bolt: “I’m not alone. These men can relate to my experiences.”
I had never felt that way before, never really opened up to other people in my life. I had learned early on to keep myself guarded. I had learned that opening up just led to getting hurt and being ridiculed for being emotional, too self absorbed, or other comments made that tore me down. So I kept myself locked away, hurting on the inside, and trying to show a brave face to the outside, while hoping no one noticed how afraid I really was.
What I encountered in that circle of men was a normalization of my experience. Normalizing is the experience where people share their emotions and experiences and thoughts in a way that helps each person realize they are not alone and that what they are experiencing is actually normal. It helps us cut through the illusion of success that so many people try to project and get to the reality underneath.
And what’s fascinating is that when you get to the reality underneath and normalize the shadows that prey on all of us, you begin to discover real confidence and act on it. It’s not that that you banish your fear or that bad experiences go away. Even now I have days where I feel afraid or I struggle, but I don’t suffer in the same way because I know there are other people who can relate and hold the space with me. That makes the experience easier to handle than it would be otherwise.
When we normalize our experiences we become healthier and happier men because we aren’t holding in all the fears and insecurities and anxieties and stresses of life. We’re releasing them and stepping more fully into our power.
Why Men don't trust each other
I discuss why men don’t trust each other and share the reasons that have caused that distrust and what we can do to change that through the work we do together in men’s circles.