Mature Masculinity Podcast: How to recognize your entitlement

In this episode I share how to recognize your entitlement, i.e. the covert contracts that have transactive expectations built into them.

We all have them. All of us, at one time or another, having entitlement and that entitlement can poison your relationship with yourself and with the people who are important to you..

By learning how to recognize your entitlement, you can also learn how to share what you truly need, want, or long for in a real and genuine way. Watch it below or listen on spotify.

Integrity and Alignment in Relationships

What does it mean to be in integrity and alignment with your relationships? I explore why its essential for men to be in integrity with themselves, if they want to develop healthy relationships with other people. I explore how to come back into integrity and alignment with yourself and other people by being honest about what you are really experiencing. When you learn how to be honest with yourself and other people you step into powerful relationships.

Finding balance in relationship pt 1: How to be a leader

When you’re in a romantic relationship (or more than one), one of the challenges that can come up is around how you show up in that relationship. Are you showing up as the little boy craving approval or are you showing up as a mature man, confident in himself and his presence? The answer to that question can speak volumes to the overall happiness and satisfaction you experience in your relationship, and can provide a valuable clue for how your partner(s) responds to you in your relationship.

Your partner doesn’t want the little boy craving approval. It’s a real turn off on every level of the relationship and can be a relationship killer. When you show up as the little boy, you treat your partner as a parental figure, seeking out their approval for what you do. It shows you don’t have a spine and it puts a lot of unwanted power in the hands of your partner. You put your partner into a position where they have to take charge and guide and lead you, which ends up being a relationship killer. You don’t want to be the little boy in a romantic relationship, because being that way demonstrates that you aren’t ready or capable of showing up in your relationship in a way that cultivates respect or shows that you are a man who can be relied upon.

Your partner wants the mature man who is confident in himself, able to show up as a leader in way that simultaneously creates a sense of safety, while also exciting your partner because you are a reliable man who can be counted on to show up when needed. A mature man is a man who embodies his sacred masculinity through his actions and words. He follows through on what he says he’ll do and he is also able to take accountability for his actions and choices in a way that doesn’t apologize for who he is, but does acknowledge when he’s made a mistake. A mature man knows who he is, and knows the principles by which he lives his life and as a result he is able to show up as a leader in his own life.

Your partner wants a leader…not so that you can lead them, though sometimes that may be a desire, but so that you can lead yourself. A man who doesn’t look to other people for approval and yet can also be fully present with other people is a sexy man, and the kind of man someone else can rely upon. The question is how do you become a leader in your own life and as a result show up in your relationship in a way that inspires and deepens the connection you have with your partner?

The first action you can take is to get clear on the code of behavior, the principles, by which you live your life. This code of behavior is something you must stick to no matter what, because when you compromise on it, you give away your strength of being and presence to your partner and that will cause your partner to feel disrespect for you. You don’t necessarily need to broadcast what this code of behavior is to anyone else, but you do need to know it and live it. An example of this code behavior might be the following:

• I love, honor, and respect myself everyday.

• I spend time with other men, in relationships that are nurturing and supportive.

These are just a couple of examples, but these are part of the code of behavior I live every day. If you aren’t clear on what your code of behavior is, you need to spend time thinking about what is essential to your happiness and well being and then stick with it, no matter what. This means you can compromise on this code of behavior, because if you you are giving away your sovereign leadership to someone else and in the process losing an essential part of the attraction that is between you.

The second action you can take is to resolve to handle conflict on your relationship from the place of the mature, sacred masculine. The mature man doesn’t react to conflict from a place of co-dependent neediness or whininess. He takes responsibility for his actions and he is able to ground himself, becoming solid in the face of anger, and listening with intent and awareness so that when he speaks and acts he does so in a way that reveals his awareness and his ability to advocate for himself as needed, without trying to duck responsibility.

A third action you can take is to connect with other men, and I’m not talking in the locker room or sports bar, but rather in a deep and meaningful way, where you are able to speak to to the challenges in your life and be supported by other men, who nonetheless will also challenge you to be a better man. When you have this kind of connection with other men, you aren’t white knuckling your way through every situation. Instead you have a supportive network of men who believe in you and also hold you to a higher standard in terms of how you show up in your life.

If you’ve recently broken up with your ex or you’ve had a moment of clarity around how you show up in relationship and you realize you need to make some changes, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, which shows you how to ground into your sacred masculine presence and apply it in your life so you’re no longer a wishy washy, insecure nice guy.

Images of self love can be masculine too

The other day I was writing another article and I did a search stock images of self love. What I found fascinating was that almost all of the images of self-love were of women. I found only one stock image that was free that had a man in it and even then that picture wasn’t showing the man expressing some form of self love and appreciation to himself but rather expressing love to someone else.

One of the tools of the sacred masculine is the tool of self love. On my own journey into men’s work I found that this tool was essential for helping me heal and embrace myself. I used to loath myself for being a man, because of how masculinity had been modeled to me by my dad, as well as the opinions expressed about it by the women in my life. I only started to really heal this wound when I started to love myself. I recognized I needed to change my attitude and perspective toward myself and discover what healthy masculinity looked like.

Men, and people in general, need to embrace self love. But men may find the idea of loving themselves particularly hard to adopt because we’re taught that men don’t feel. The truth is that men do feel, but they’ve been taught to bury their emotions. Burying your emotions just cuts you off from yourself as well as other people. Self love counteracts that numbness and teaches you how to connect with full intimacy and awareness of yourself and other people. It’s not a cure-all but when you start loving yourself you also start recognizing how much of yourself you’ve given away to other people and you start reclaiming it and creating healthy boundaries for yourself and others.

Self love is also a potent antidote to the heartache of breakups. Breakups are hard in general, but for men they can be particularly hard because of how much men wrap their identity up in the relationship. In my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup we explore how self-love can help you heal from the pain of your breakup and all the other relationships that didn’t work out. When men learn to love themselves it changes how they approach relationship, because they aren’t coming at it from a place of needy insecurity. They’re coming at relationship from a place of awareness and love for themselves, which enables them to hold better boundaries with other people.

A man who loves himself has a better sense of who he is, what he wants and what his mission and purpose is. He also knows he doesn’t need to go through life alone and through self love he starts reaching out and connecting with other men to create a brotherly bond where each man supports the other men. Men need to have healthy relationships with other men because it teaches them that they aren’t alone and that other men can relate to the challenges and struggles they are going through.

If we’re going to change how we show up in the world then we need to start by learning how to love yourselves. One way to model that is to show images of men expressing love for themselves in a way that’s affirms the importance of validating themselves. Men need to know it is healthy to value and love themselves. We haven’t been taught that, but more than ever we need to learn it.

What is intimacy?

What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.

How to forgive yourself

When we don’t forgive ourselves we can’t move forward in our lives, because we carry the burden of our pain as a judgement against ourselves. I share how to forgive yourself and why its important for you to do this in order to heal from your past relationships and other cycles that may be holding you back from living your best life and embracing your sacred masculine power.

Your life is more than your relationship

One of the mistakes I see men make (and one I’ve made myself at times) is that a man will focus so much on the romantic relationship he excludes everything else in his life. This is not a a healthy approach to romantic or any other types of relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person suppresses their own needs because they prioritize what they think the other person needs over their own needs. When a person lives for someone else’s happiness, they give up a vital part of themselves and it sours the relationship.

So why does someone do this? One reason can be poor self esteem, but another reason can also be that you feel more desire for the other person than they feel for you. Sometimes both reasons go hand in hand. Regardless of what the reason is, it can create significant problems if you don’t recognize the pattern and make changes.

The best recommendation I have is to spend time developing a relationship with the one you’re always with, and that person isn’t your significant other. That person is you. You are the most important person in your life and you’re the one person you’ll always be with, so spend time with yourself, discovering what you genuinely enjoy. By making quality time for yourself you can discover an essential truth of life: You can make it on your own and be happy being with yourself. This doesn’t mean you should breakup with your partner, but it does mean that you can recognize that life will go on and there will be good times.

So often we hold romantic relationships up as the holy grail for a person to aspire to, but while it can be wonderful to be with someone, a relationship ought to enhance your life, not become your life. When a man makes a relationship more important than anything else, he can lose the respect of his partner. His partner wants a person with a spine, who has his own interests and activity and can be independent, but also know when to make time for romantic and practical considerations.

In most of my relationships I have been fairly independent. I’ve worked on my writing projects and pursued other activities such as going to the gym and martial arts, but there have been times where I’ve subsumed my identity in favor of the person I was with. I think this is a normal part of relationships to some degree. There are times where you may need to prioritize your significant other(s) because they are going through some experience or because you’ve made plans, but its also important to keep some balance and perspective.

You can do this by pursuing your own hobbies but also making time with friends, family, and community. You can also do this by continuing to cultivate your own interest and activities so that when you come back into the orbit of your sweetheart you have something interesting to share and appreciate about each other. You are more than your relationship. So is your life…and when you appreciate that, you’ll also appreciate yourself, your sweetie and your relationship more.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Part 1 - Love

I’ve been working on developing an Ethos that describes the vision and work of the Sacred Masculine. In this next series of posts I’m going to share with you what that Ethos is and why its significant to the work all men need to do to transform their lives.

The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine Quest - Part 1 Love

We have been taught to give away our love to other people and also been taught that the only love which has value is love that is given to us by other people.

A man in touch with his sacred masculine power knows better. He knows that love starts from within. He might experience someone else loving him, and he might love someone else, but until he learns how to love himself he will not be able to fully show up for anyone else.

Love yourself unapologetically, choose yourself unapologetically, Respect yourself unapologetically and the world will fall in love with you, choose you, respect you and open the doors of possibility and opportunity for you.

Love another person but balance that love with your love of yourself. You deserve the best from yourself and you cannot give your best to anyone else until you value yourself.

You are worthy of being loved by yourself. You are worthy of being valued by yourself. You are worthy of saying I have value and I choose to value myself.

I have loved others and given them my heart and my soul in a way that put those people on a pedestal and put myself in a place where I could be stepped on.

I am not doing that now though. I'm not doing that ever again...I know my worth and I choose to let go of the pedestal, the objectification, and also the diminution of all involved.

I love myself and I give myself my heart and soul and hold it in sacred keeping for the person or people who honor my heart and soul and recognize the precious gift I give of presence and passion, love and desire, devotion and honor.

They may share in the warmth of my heart and the light of my soul, the creative depth of my intelligence, the spiritual energy of my magic and the fierce life force of my body...and know what a gift it is to be in presence and power with me.

Even as I know in turn, they are also giving me the gift of presence with their heart, soul, intelligence, spiritual force and life fire.

Self love is the magic that continually transforms my life and the way I show up boldly and bravely for myself, my purpose, my missions, my passion and for the depth I bring to the world around me.

Love yourself my brothers and the world will open its heart to you and reveal its mysteries and secrets.

How to recognize when you love someone too much

Can you love someone else too much? In this video I share why its important to balance the love you feel for other people with love for yourself and share how to recognize when love is unbalanced and can actually harm the relationships you have with other people.