What is a "real man"?

What is a “Real man?”

I’ve heard the phrase real man thrown about as a way of trying to define masculinity, but I think its a phrase that shames men because it creates this pedestal that they are trying to live up, instead of actually discovering what it means to be a man in relationship to being themselves. So what is a real man? A real man is…

A man who is in touch with his emotions, cries like a man and is able to share his moments of vulnerability with people he trusts.

A man who is honest with BOTH his intentions and his actions, who follows through on his word and takes responsibility for his choices, while making space for how people respond to those choices.

A man who listens to his deepest desires, his mission and purpose and finds a way to follow through on them in a way that honors himself and the other people in his life.

A man who cultivates awareness of himself and others, recognizes the impact of his actions as well as the intent and is able to learn and improve himself.

A man who is willing to do his inner work, father his inner boy, and hold himself accountable, even as he holds other men and is held by other men in accountability.

A man who is in touch with his sacred essence and revels in it. A man who isn’t ashamed to be a man, while also acknowledging that men need to do their work and transform who they are in relationship with themselves, the people in their lives and the world around them.

A real man can also be a father, son, uncle, nephew, grandfather or grandson, self identify as a man, and be involved in a variety of activities, professions, etc., without overly identifying with any of them.

Are you a real man? No one else can tell you that…but being a real man, whatever that may be isn’t about adhering to toxic notions of masculinity. A real man is a man who recognizes he is part of this world and recognizes he wants to leave the world better than how he came into it.

Why Men must learn how to choose themselves

Photo by Mental Health America (MHA): https://www.pexels.com/photo/smiling-man-looking-at-himself-in-a-mirror-5543538/

One of the practices that I learned last year was a practice of self-love that I began to apply to myself because I recognized how much I didn’t love myself. What I didn’t realize at the time, but have since come to recognize is how this lack of self-love is ingrained in us by a belief that we have to find love somewhere else and that the love we find will somehow redeem us for being who and what we are.

The myth that love is redemptive is a dangerous myth because it causes us to look for a mythical other in the belief that this mythical other will somehow save us from ourselves. But there is nothing to be saved or redeemed. We are whole as we are and if we can embrace that truth it can allow us to learn how to choose ourselves instead of positioning ourselves to choose someone else, and in the process losing our self respect and identity because we orient toward people pleasing that other person, who also loses respect for us because of the people pleasing.

The truth is that no person wants to be put on a pedestal or made the center of someone else’s universe. When we make the fatal mistake of doing so, we lose something significant in the process, the sense of identity that is essential to living a good life. And perhaps someone who puts someone else on a pedestal never really had that identity. We aren’t taught to value ourselves and when you aren’t taught to value yourself it is very easy to ascribe any sense of value toward someone else.

So how do you learn to value yourself?

First and foremost recognize that your partner cannot fill in the gap of emptiness in your life. If you put that pressure on them it creates a tension that hurts your relationship and causes them to lose respect as they recognize that you don’t have the capacity to take care of yourself.

The person who fills the gap of emptiness in your life is yourself. This starts with learning to love and like yourself. One practice I do is say I love myself out loud. Another practice I do is to say aloud a vow I’ve made to myself, and in the process remind myself what is really important in my life.

Another way you learn to value yourself is through the associations you make with other people in your life. Instead of just focusing on the primary relationship of your life, it’s good to branch out and connect with other friends. I go to a Kung Fu studio three days a week and connect with friends there. I go for hikes with friends and spend time with other men, in particular because it creates a a system of support that enables me to flourish and reinforces the self love I feel for myself…and also allows me to love other people in a way that doesn’t put them on a pedestal but instead celebrates the relationship as a reciprocal one where value is shared in the activities we do and the ways we support each other.

Choosing yourself also means choosing to pursue the life you want to live. So often we will sacrifice our deepest desires and wants on the altar of relationship or family, but that sacrifice is not worth the ensuing misery that occurs when you are trying to please someone else in the hopes of getting something they can’t or won’t provide you.

When you choose to live your life unapologetically, you are choosing yourself. When you choose to pursue what brings you to life, what excites and inspires you, you are choosing yourself. We have to learn how to choose ourselves and then continually choose ourselves and what brings us purpose and meaning. When we do that, we give ourselves the love and respect that provides a healthy foundation for any other relationship we may choose to have, because we will always remember that any other relationship must come secondary to the relationship we have with ourselves.