Mature Masculinity Podcast: How to recognize your entitlement

In this episode I share how to recognize your entitlement, i.e. the covert contracts that have transactive expectations built into them.

We all have them. All of us, at one time or another, having entitlement and that entitlement can poison your relationship with yourself and with the people who are important to you..

By learning how to recognize your entitlement, you can also learn how to share what you truly need, want, or long for in a real and genuine way. Watch it below or listen on spotify.

How to unlock the door to your own cage

One of the ways men are socialized is to lock their emotions and thoughts in a cage, the cage they construct to protect themselves from the world. The problem with this cage is that it keeps everyone out, and the man locked in. It creates an isolating experience that can numb a man because he doesn’t know who to let in or trust, and he doesn’t feel like he can let anyone in.

I remember feeling that way in my own life. I had put walls up around myself and I would only let someone in so far, before I shut them out. I couldn’t share my emotions or have uncomfortable conversations. I shied away from getting into conflict, because I just wanted everything to be harmonious, but at the same time, within myself there was a tempest of emotions and thoughts I wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else about.

In that kind of situation, it can feel like you are inside a cage. That cage is partially of your own making and partially a consequence of patriarchal indoctrination which convinces boys and men that in order to fit in they have to lock their emotions down. It’s hard to live in that cage, because it makes us small and traps us in a place where we can’t relate to other people around us. It’s a cage that can ultimately kill a man, because it locks the man down from the full expression of his being.

Even though we are in the cage, we have the power to do something about it. We can let ourselves out of the cage we’ve locked ourselves in. That’s sounds simple enough, but actually getting ourselves out of that cage can take some work.

I remember the first time I really allowed myself out of my cage. It was when I was attending a men’s circle for the first time. I had never attended a men’s circle before and I was nervous. If I shared what I was going through and what I was feeling, would the other men make fun of me and put me down? Still I made myself go. I wasn’t the first man to speak that night or even the second or third, but as I heard each man share their emotions and what they were going through I felt like the door to my cage swung open. I wasn’t alone.

I knew I could step out of that cage. I knew all I had to do was speak up and share what was going for me and I could take my first step out of that cage. So I did it. I spoke up and shared some feelings and experiences and even though it was scary in the moment, it was also liberating. I took my first step out of that cage that I had built around myself.

I didn’t share everything in my heart that night. It took me a few months before I got to that point, but when I finally, fully opened up in a men’s circle I felt supported by the men that were there. None of them judged me for my mistakes, my emotions, my thoughts or everything else I had been keeping buried within me. They just listened and heard and witnessed me. It was freeing.

If you’re feeling locked up in a cage within your own life and you don’t feel like you can let anyone in, I want to encourage you to join a men’s circle. There is something really empowering about sharing your space with other men and letting them bear witness to your truth. Men need each other to unlock the doors of the cages we’ve constructed about ourselves. We need to know we’re not alone and know that we can share who we are without having to filter it. We’ve been taught to filter who we are, but being part of a men’s circle can help you stop filtering yourself. It can help you rediscover the genuine person within.

How I'm learning to love being single

I recently became single again, and just as with the last time, I wisely committed myself to being single for at least 6 months, if not longer, because I knew I needed to make space to grieve for the relationship, process anything else that came up, and also rediscover myself outside of being in relationship with someone else.

I’m finding that I’m really enjoying being single. In my twenties and thirties I was filled with a sense of desperation. I had to find my person, or people, because being single meant having to be with me, and that wasn’t something I wanted. It wasn’t the healthiest attitude to have toward myself, but I think a lot of people filled with self loathing operate in a similar way. We try to find a panacea for the condition of our lives, little realizing that the true panacea is only found within.

This isn’t to say that relationship doesn’t have its purpose. It surely does and it can be transformative, nurturing and healing to be with someone else. It can also be a lot of work. Relationships have their place in our lives and hopefully we find that person or people who we can joyfully engage with and learn from, conflict with and grow wiser in the process.

But there is something joyful about being in relationship with myself as well. This latest iteration of singlehood has become an adventure for me, especially as I’ve reached out to my different communities and connected with them even more deeply.

So often if a person is single, its treated as if being single is a state of being that ought to be avoided, because you’ll be lonely. But being single doesn’t have to be that way. I am single, but I don’t feel lonely. I can pick up the phone and talk with someone or text and know that someone is around. I can go to events around town and see someone I know or meet new people and enjoy the experience. Or I can take myself on a date and appreciate the opportunity to do something fun with me.

Embrace being single. It can be an adventure. It can be an opportunity to fall deeply in love with the one person who will never be out of your life: Yourself!

Mature Masculinity Podcast: Are you living your life for the right person?

Nice Guys don’t know how to live their lives for themselves. They make their partners the center of their lives and orient all of their actions around trying to make their partner happy. I share why this doesn’t work and how this nice guy behavior kills the relationship.

Nice guys need to learn how to live their lives for themselves and how to live in integrity with the values, mission and purpose that bring them to life. This won’t always make your partner happy, but you can’t live an authentic life where you put your partner and their happiness on a pedestal and sacrifice your needs and wants. I explain why in depth in this frank episode of Mature Masculinity Podcast.

How being clingy kills your chemistry

Nice guys are needy men. One of the ways they are needy comes in the form of clinginess. In this episode I break down what clinginess can look like and how you can recognize it in yourself. I also share some ideas on how to work on addressing your clinginess and letting go of your neediness.

What is Safety?

What is safety? What does it mean to be safe? With yourself, another person, or in general? I answer these questions as I explore what it means to be safe to me, as a man, and I examine the assumptions that men make about a sense of safety and why that can be so problematic. I share some personal example of own work around safety.

The bear in the forest meme

I discuss the bear in the forest meme and share some thoughts around how men’s awareness around their own entitlement and relationship with women needs to fundamentally change. This meme is an indicator of that need for change.

5 tips for handling conflict in relationship

In a given relationship, conflict is inevitable. However the way each person approaches conflict can shape how that conflict is resolved and what the outcome is for the overall relationship. Both (or more) partners need to learn essential skills for handling conflict, or risk the health of the relationship as well as their own emotional health. Before I get into the 5 tips for handling conflict, I want to speak to the red flags around conflict in relationship. The red flags for conflict are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism: When someone offers criticism without a solution it creates conflict. The person offering the criticism wants a different action, but what the offer with their criticism isn’t helpful because it tears the person down. There is a difference between negative criticism and constructive criticism, but when the former is offered it shuts conversations down instead of creating opportunities to discover solutions together.

Contempt: When someone expresses contempt, it is usually in the form of sarcastic comments and humor that makes a joke at the expense of the person it’s being leveled at. Contempt can come in other flavors as well. If you’re in an argument and the person is making it personal by commenting on you and putting you down its usually because the person has a lot of resentment and judgement. Contempt erodes respect and eventually causes both people to become harsh.

Defensiveness: When a person is defensive, they’re not listening to what the other person is saying or trying to understand their point of view. They are focused on defending their own position and protecting themselves in the process, and as a result they’re closed off from having conversations that can resolve the conflict.

Stonewalling: When I stonewall someone, I am shutting them out entirely and putting a wall up to keep them out. Ironically a person who is stonewalling is also keeping themselves out. A person who is stonewalling is shut down and flooded and unwilling to engage.

You probably recognize some of these behaviors in your own conflicts with your partner. If you’ve gone through a breakup, when you review that breakup you’ll likely find that all of these behaviors played a role in the conflicts you were having. So how do you handle conflict so that you don’t have these kinds of interactions.

My first tip is to take some deep grounding breaths. When you are in a conflict, you may find yourself taking shallower breaths. Pause and take a deeper breath. It will feel uncomfortable, because you’ll be feeling your body more fully as well as the emotions in your body. Keep breathing and ground yourself into the breath. This will help you be present with your emotions as well as the other person. When I am in a conflict and I take the time to breathe it also helps me slow down my thoughts and focus on the environment instead of getting stuck in my head.

My second tip is to look the other person in the eyes. This might seem like an aggressive move, but typically in conflicts people won’t look at each other. When you make the effort to look at someone in the eyes, you are seeing that person and that reminds you to see the person instead of paying attention to what you might be projecting on the person.

My third tip is to focus the conversation on what’s being said about the problem, versus the person. It can be really easy to make it about the person, but whatever the issue is, its betters to focus on that topic. If you find yourself making it personal, take a moment to pause and think through what you’re saying. A lot of conflict can be defused by focusing on the problem and getting curious about what’s underneath the problem, but this can’t occur if you’re making it personal.

My fourth tip is to know when to take a break from the conflict. It’s perfectly reasonable to take a break and it can actually give both people perspective. I go for a walk when I get to a place where I can’t continue the conversation. It gives me a chance to regroup and think through what I’ve heard and felt, as well as my own thoughts. When I come back, I’m calmer and more focused.

My fifth tip is to make sure you have more positive communication than negative communication. It take approximately 5 positive interactions to counteract 1 negative interaction. If you are consistently more negative than positive this will hurt your relationships, but if you make the effort to communicate in a positive way most of the time this will inoculate your relationship from negativity and help you navigate conflicts differently. When I am in conflict, I make a point to acknowledge the conflict, but stay positive about my partner.

What tips do you have for navigating conflicts? Leave a comment below and share them with the other readers.

How to use conflict to create deeper trust in your relationships

Men try to avoid conflict in the home, wanting to have a harmonious and peaceful space. I share why avoiding conflict doesn’t work and how it actually kills your relationships. If you want to build trust and intimacy you have to learn how to navigate the storms that inevitably come up. It’s not about winning arguments or being right…it’s about learning how to collaborate through the conflict.

Integrity and Alignment in Relationships

What does it mean to be in integrity and alignment with your relationships? I explore why its essential for men to be in integrity with themselves, if they want to develop healthy relationships with other people. I explore how to come back into integrity and alignment with yourself and other people by being honest about what you are really experiencing. When you learn how to be honest with yourself and other people you step into powerful relationships.

Trust and Safety and Relationships

If you want a better relationship with your love, you need to understand the relationship between trust and safety and how this leads to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with your partner. In this video I explore the connection between trust and safety and share how that can lead to a stronger relationship for you and your partner.

Thank you but no: How to Set Boundaries

No is a magic work and learning how to say it and stick with is an important skill. I share why men need to learn how to say no in their own lives. Additionally I discuss why it’s important to learn how to listen and accept a no, and move on with your life. Finally we discuss self respect and how setting your own boundaries and acknowledging other peoples’ boundaries is a form of self respect.

Finding Balance in Relationship pt 2: How to become a better listener

Picture courtesy of Pexels

One of the most important skills you can learn in relationship to your romantic lover, but also with people in general is how to become a better listener. Men in particular need to cultivate this skill, because we’ve been enculturated to speak up and not listen as much as we need to. Listening can also be hard, if you find yourself feeling triggered and reactive because of what someone else said. Nonetheless if you want to truly develop an intimate and loving relationship and reap the rewards of that relationship, listening is an essential skill.

When you are truly listening to someone, you need to listen with intent. This means you aren’t thinking of an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead you’re really listening to what they are saying and letting what is said land with you. You may have a reaction to what is shared, but you are able to recognize the reaction and set it aside so you can focus on the actual message. This is not always easy to do, and you will have moments where you aren’t able to listen as well as you could because of whatever reactions are coming up for you.

A good practice to help you with listening is to ask questions. When you ask questions you allow yourself to get curious about what you’re hearing. It gives you a chance to learn more and understand what your partner is sharing with you. It can also help your partner feel heard and recognized, which is important when you’re having tough conversations about topics that are near and dear to both of your hearts.

Another good practice is to make sure you listen without trying to problem solve. Your initial thought on hearing what the other person says may be to come up with a solution for the problem. Unless that person has asked for advice or a solution, don’t offer a solution. They may just want someone to listen to them about whatever the problem is. If you take the time to listen, you may find that the other person finds their own solution and its likely a better one than any you could come up with. And if they want your advice they’ll ask for it and you can offer it, without being obnoxious in the process.

When I listen to my love, I ground myself as much as possible. I listen with intent to be present with her and with awareness of both her and my emotional landscape. I don’t always succeed, but 9 times out of 10 I do well with listening to her because I focus on making sure she feels heard and seen. I know there’s room for improvement and I’m continuing to work on myself.

If you’ve really broken up with someone or you’ve had a moment of clarity about yourself and you recognize that you need to make some changes in your life, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, in which we’ll explore how to transform your relationship with yourself so you can show up better in your relationship with other people.

Finding balance in relationship pt 1: How to be a leader

When you’re in a romantic relationship (or more than one), one of the challenges that can come up is around how you show up in that relationship. Are you showing up as the little boy craving approval or are you showing up as a mature man, confident in himself and his presence? The answer to that question can speak volumes to the overall happiness and satisfaction you experience in your relationship, and can provide a valuable clue for how your partner(s) responds to you in your relationship.

Your partner doesn’t want the little boy craving approval. It’s a real turn off on every level of the relationship and can be a relationship killer. When you show up as the little boy, you treat your partner as a parental figure, seeking out their approval for what you do. It shows you don’t have a spine and it puts a lot of unwanted power in the hands of your partner. You put your partner into a position where they have to take charge and guide and lead you, which ends up being a relationship killer. You don’t want to be the little boy in a romantic relationship, because being that way demonstrates that you aren’t ready or capable of showing up in your relationship in a way that cultivates respect or shows that you are a man who can be relied upon.

Your partner wants the mature man who is confident in himself, able to show up as a leader in way that simultaneously creates a sense of safety, while also exciting your partner because you are a reliable man who can be counted on to show up when needed. A mature man is a man who embodies his sacred masculinity through his actions and words. He follows through on what he says he’ll do and he is also able to take accountability for his actions and choices in a way that doesn’t apologize for who he is, but does acknowledge when he’s made a mistake. A mature man knows who he is, and knows the principles by which he lives his life and as a result he is able to show up as a leader in his own life.

Your partner wants a leader…not so that you can lead them, though sometimes that may be a desire, but so that you can lead yourself. A man who doesn’t look to other people for approval and yet can also be fully present with other people is a sexy man, and the kind of man someone else can rely upon. The question is how do you become a leader in your own life and as a result show up in your relationship in a way that inspires and deepens the connection you have with your partner?

The first action you can take is to get clear on the code of behavior, the principles, by which you live your life. This code of behavior is something you must stick to no matter what, because when you compromise on it, you give away your strength of being and presence to your partner and that will cause your partner to feel disrespect for you. You don’t necessarily need to broadcast what this code of behavior is to anyone else, but you do need to know it and live it. An example of this code behavior might be the following:

• I love, honor, and respect myself everyday.

• I spend time with other men, in relationships that are nurturing and supportive.

These are just a couple of examples, but these are part of the code of behavior I live every day. If you aren’t clear on what your code of behavior is, you need to spend time thinking about what is essential to your happiness and well being and then stick with it, no matter what. This means you can compromise on this code of behavior, because if you you are giving away your sovereign leadership to someone else and in the process losing an essential part of the attraction that is between you.

The second action you can take is to resolve to handle conflict on your relationship from the place of the mature, sacred masculine. The mature man doesn’t react to conflict from a place of co-dependent neediness or whininess. He takes responsibility for his actions and he is able to ground himself, becoming solid in the face of anger, and listening with intent and awareness so that when he speaks and acts he does so in a way that reveals his awareness and his ability to advocate for himself as needed, without trying to duck responsibility.

A third action you can take is to connect with other men, and I’m not talking in the locker room or sports bar, but rather in a deep and meaningful way, where you are able to speak to to the challenges in your life and be supported by other men, who nonetheless will also challenge you to be a better man. When you have this kind of connection with other men, you aren’t white knuckling your way through every situation. Instead you have a supportive network of men who believe in you and also hold you to a higher standard in terms of how you show up in your life.

If you’ve recently broken up with your ex or you’ve had a moment of clarity around how you show up in relationship and you realize you need to make some changes, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, which shows you how to ground into your sacred masculine presence and apply it in your life so you’re no longer a wishy washy, insecure nice guy.

Images of self love can be masculine too

The other day I was writing another article and I did a search stock images of self love. What I found fascinating was that almost all of the images of self-love were of women. I found only one stock image that was free that had a man in it and even then that picture wasn’t showing the man expressing some form of self love and appreciation to himself but rather expressing love to someone else.

One of the tools of the sacred masculine is the tool of self love. On my own journey into men’s work I found that this tool was essential for helping me heal and embrace myself. I used to loath myself for being a man, because of how masculinity had been modeled to me by my dad, as well as the opinions expressed about it by the women in my life. I only started to really heal this wound when I started to love myself. I recognized I needed to change my attitude and perspective toward myself and discover what healthy masculinity looked like.

Men, and people in general, need to embrace self love. But men may find the idea of loving themselves particularly hard to adopt because we’re taught that men don’t feel. The truth is that men do feel, but they’ve been taught to bury their emotions. Burying your emotions just cuts you off from yourself as well as other people. Self love counteracts that numbness and teaches you how to connect with full intimacy and awareness of yourself and other people. It’s not a cure-all but when you start loving yourself you also start recognizing how much of yourself you’ve given away to other people and you start reclaiming it and creating healthy boundaries for yourself and others.

Self love is also a potent antidote to the heartache of breakups. Breakups are hard in general, but for men they can be particularly hard because of how much men wrap their identity up in the relationship. In my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup we explore how self-love can help you heal from the pain of your breakup and all the other relationships that didn’t work out. When men learn to love themselves it changes how they approach relationship, because they aren’t coming at it from a place of needy insecurity. They’re coming at relationship from a place of awareness and love for themselves, which enables them to hold better boundaries with other people.

A man who loves himself has a better sense of who he is, what he wants and what his mission and purpose is. He also knows he doesn’t need to go through life alone and through self love he starts reaching out and connecting with other men to create a brotherly bond where each man supports the other men. Men need to have healthy relationships with other men because it teaches them that they aren’t alone and that other men can relate to the challenges and struggles they are going through.

If we’re going to change how we show up in the world then we need to start by learning how to love yourselves. One way to model that is to show images of men expressing love for themselves in a way that’s affirms the importance of validating themselves. Men need to know it is healthy to value and love themselves. We haven’t been taught that, but more than ever we need to learn it.

What is intimacy?

What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.

How to get curious in your relationship (and get a better relationship as a result)

One of the book I’m reading is Love Between Equals (affiliate link) by Polly Young-Eisendrath. The author makes a very insightful point about how we engage our partners. Many times the engagement you have with your lover is one where you are caught up in your memories and triggers, which aren’t necessarily related to your partner but have been prompted by a conflict you are having. When this happens it can become very easy to withdraw into your shell and try to protect yourself by getting caught up in your own narrative about what that person has said or done.

This is a reactive form of thinking, feeling and experiencing, and its one ALL of us do at one time or another because we feel threatened or we’re having a bad day and we end up bringing that bad day into our home. When this happens it can be very easy to get caught up in the reaction, but that’s when we need to take a deep breath and ground our awareness in our sacred masculine energy so that we can do something very important: Get curious and open ourselves to listening and learning from the situation.

Getting curious means asking questions and listening with an open heart and mind. It also means not taking words that are expressed so personally that you make everything about you. Instead you get curious about what is actually happening and if you feel yourself starting to react, you acknowledge the reaction within you, but also set it aside because you know its your inner fear coming up and making an ass out of you.

Getting curious means you set aside your judgements of your partner and let go of the need to diagnose how they are behaving and instead show genuine compassion and concern for what is being shared, even if in the moment it feels like your sweetheart is attacking you. They may be genuinely upset with you, and this doesn’t mean you should be a punching bag and take verbal abuse, but it does mean that you make the choice to de-escalate the situation by showing that you are present and aware with the person you love.

When you ask questions and listen from a place of genuine curiosity and concern, these simple actions can show your lover that you care and want to address whatever is coming up with them. Stop and take a breath and direct your energy downward toward your belly and from there to your feet. Ground into the earth and then listen with an open heart and mind.

What is this person really saying?

What are the emotions they are expressing?

How can you acknowledge what they are sharing and speak to what is being said and unsaid?

Remember also that you don’t have to have an answer to the situation. Sometimes the best response is to just listen with an open mind and heart. Sometimes the best thing you could say is to ask a question or make an observation without trying to offer a solution…and if you want to offer a solution, ask the person first. They may not want a solution. They may just need someone to listen.

If you can do these actions your relationship with your love will improve significantly. When a person realizes that you are actually listening and really want to know their perspective and experience that alone can significantly defuse the situation and help all people feel empowered by the relationship.

Your life is more than your relationship

One of the mistakes I see men make (and one I’ve made myself at times) is that a man will focus so much on the romantic relationship he excludes everything else in his life. This is not a a healthy approach to romantic or any other types of relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person suppresses their own needs because they prioritize what they think the other person needs over their own needs. When a person lives for someone else’s happiness, they give up a vital part of themselves and it sours the relationship.

So why does someone do this? One reason can be poor self esteem, but another reason can also be that you feel more desire for the other person than they feel for you. Sometimes both reasons go hand in hand. Regardless of what the reason is, it can create significant problems if you don’t recognize the pattern and make changes.

The best recommendation I have is to spend time developing a relationship with the one you’re always with, and that person isn’t your significant other. That person is you. You are the most important person in your life and you’re the one person you’ll always be with, so spend time with yourself, discovering what you genuinely enjoy. By making quality time for yourself you can discover an essential truth of life: You can make it on your own and be happy being with yourself. This doesn’t mean you should breakup with your partner, but it does mean that you can recognize that life will go on and there will be good times.

So often we hold romantic relationships up as the holy grail for a person to aspire to, but while it can be wonderful to be with someone, a relationship ought to enhance your life, not become your life. When a man makes a relationship more important than anything else, he can lose the respect of his partner. His partner wants a person with a spine, who has his own interests and activity and can be independent, but also know when to make time for romantic and practical considerations.

In most of my relationships I have been fairly independent. I’ve worked on my writing projects and pursued other activities such as going to the gym and martial arts, but there have been times where I’ve subsumed my identity in favor of the person I was with. I think this is a normal part of relationships to some degree. There are times where you may need to prioritize your significant other(s) because they are going through some experience or because you’ve made plans, but its also important to keep some balance and perspective.

You can do this by pursuing your own hobbies but also making time with friends, family, and community. You can also do this by continuing to cultivate your own interest and activities so that when you come back into the orbit of your sweetheart you have something interesting to share and appreciate about each other. You are more than your relationship. So is your life…and when you appreciate that, you’ll also appreciate yourself, your sweetie and your relationship more.

How to stop being lonely when you are alone

One of the challenges that men face is how to deal with feeling lonely, when you are alone. A lot of men try to find someone to make that feeling of loneliness go away, but the best approach is to learn how to be with yourself and connect with your community. I share my own story and work around loneliness and how I have learned to be more comfortable with it.

How to recognize when you aren't in integrity with yourself

Integrity starts with yourself. If you aren't in integrity with yourself, how can you be in integrity with anyone else?

I am out of integrity with myself when I bury my truth in favor of people pleasing, don't speak my truth, and otherwise behave in a way that isn't in alignment with who I want to be.

You can be in integrity with yourself most of the time, but all it takes is one moment of weakness to put yourself out of integrity.

I share how to recognize when you are out of integrity with yourself and what you can do about it.