How to unlock the door to your own cage

One of the ways men are socialized is to lock their emotions and thoughts in a cage, the cage they construct to protect themselves from the world. The problem with this cage is that it keeps everyone out, and the man locked in. It creates an isolating experience that can numb a man because he doesn’t know who to let in or trust, and he doesn’t feel like he can let anyone in.

I remember feeling that way in my own life. I had put walls up around myself and I would only let someone in so far, before I shut them out. I couldn’t share my emotions or have uncomfortable conversations. I shied away from getting into conflict, because I just wanted everything to be harmonious, but at the same time, within myself there was a tempest of emotions and thoughts I wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else about.

In that kind of situation, it can feel like you are inside a cage. That cage is partially of your own making and partially a consequence of patriarchal indoctrination which convinces boys and men that in order to fit in they have to lock their emotions down. It’s hard to live in that cage, because it makes us small and traps us in a place where we can’t relate to other people around us. It’s a cage that can ultimately kill a man, because it locks the man down from the full expression of his being.

Even though we are in the cage, we have the power to do something about it. We can let ourselves out of the cage we’ve locked ourselves in. That’s sounds simple enough, but actually getting ourselves out of that cage can take some work.

I remember the first time I really allowed myself out of my cage. It was when I was attending a men’s circle for the first time. I had never attended a men’s circle before and I was nervous. If I shared what I was going through and what I was feeling, would the other men make fun of me and put me down? Still I made myself go. I wasn’t the first man to speak that night or even the second or third, but as I heard each man share their emotions and what they were going through I felt like the door to my cage swung open. I wasn’t alone.

I knew I could step out of that cage. I knew all I had to do was speak up and share what was going for me and I could take my first step out of that cage. So I did it. I spoke up and shared some feelings and experiences and even though it was scary in the moment, it was also liberating. I took my first step out of that cage that I had built around myself.

I didn’t share everything in my heart that night. It took me a few months before I got to that point, but when I finally, fully opened up in a men’s circle I felt supported by the men that were there. None of them judged me for my mistakes, my emotions, my thoughts or everything else I had been keeping buried within me. They just listened and heard and witnessed me. It was freeing.

If you’re feeling locked up in a cage within your own life and you don’t feel like you can let anyone in, I want to encourage you to join a men’s circle. There is something really empowering about sharing your space with other men and letting them bear witness to your truth. Men need each other to unlock the doors of the cages we’ve constructed about ourselves. We need to know we’re not alone and know that we can share who we are without having to filter it. We’ve been taught to filter who we are, but being part of a men’s circle can help you stop filtering yourself. It can help you rediscover the genuine person within.

5 tips for handling conflict in relationship

In a given relationship, conflict is inevitable. However the way each person approaches conflict can shape how that conflict is resolved and what the outcome is for the overall relationship. Both (or more) partners need to learn essential skills for handling conflict, or risk the health of the relationship as well as their own emotional health. Before I get into the 5 tips for handling conflict, I want to speak to the red flags around conflict in relationship. The red flags for conflict are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism: When someone offers criticism without a solution it creates conflict. The person offering the criticism wants a different action, but what the offer with their criticism isn’t helpful because it tears the person down. There is a difference between negative criticism and constructive criticism, but when the former is offered it shuts conversations down instead of creating opportunities to discover solutions together.

Contempt: When someone expresses contempt, it is usually in the form of sarcastic comments and humor that makes a joke at the expense of the person it’s being leveled at. Contempt can come in other flavors as well. If you’re in an argument and the person is making it personal by commenting on you and putting you down its usually because the person has a lot of resentment and judgement. Contempt erodes respect and eventually causes both people to become harsh.

Defensiveness: When a person is defensive, they’re not listening to what the other person is saying or trying to understand their point of view. They are focused on defending their own position and protecting themselves in the process, and as a result they’re closed off from having conversations that can resolve the conflict.

Stonewalling: When I stonewall someone, I am shutting them out entirely and putting a wall up to keep them out. Ironically a person who is stonewalling is also keeping themselves out. A person who is stonewalling is shut down and flooded and unwilling to engage.

You probably recognize some of these behaviors in your own conflicts with your partner. If you’ve gone through a breakup, when you review that breakup you’ll likely find that all of these behaviors played a role in the conflicts you were having. So how do you handle conflict so that you don’t have these kinds of interactions.

My first tip is to take some deep grounding breaths. When you are in a conflict, you may find yourself taking shallower breaths. Pause and take a deeper breath. It will feel uncomfortable, because you’ll be feeling your body more fully as well as the emotions in your body. Keep breathing and ground yourself into the breath. This will help you be present with your emotions as well as the other person. When I am in a conflict and I take the time to breathe it also helps me slow down my thoughts and focus on the environment instead of getting stuck in my head.

My second tip is to look the other person in the eyes. This might seem like an aggressive move, but typically in conflicts people won’t look at each other. When you make the effort to look at someone in the eyes, you are seeing that person and that reminds you to see the person instead of paying attention to what you might be projecting on the person.

My third tip is to focus the conversation on what’s being said about the problem, versus the person. It can be really easy to make it about the person, but whatever the issue is, its betters to focus on that topic. If you find yourself making it personal, take a moment to pause and think through what you’re saying. A lot of conflict can be defused by focusing on the problem and getting curious about what’s underneath the problem, but this can’t occur if you’re making it personal.

My fourth tip is to know when to take a break from the conflict. It’s perfectly reasonable to take a break and it can actually give both people perspective. I go for a walk when I get to a place where I can’t continue the conversation. It gives me a chance to regroup and think through what I’ve heard and felt, as well as my own thoughts. When I come back, I’m calmer and more focused.

My fifth tip is to make sure you have more positive communication than negative communication. It take approximately 5 positive interactions to counteract 1 negative interaction. If you are consistently more negative than positive this will hurt your relationships, but if you make the effort to communicate in a positive way most of the time this will inoculate your relationship from negativity and help you navigate conflicts differently. When I am in conflict, I make a point to acknowledge the conflict, but stay positive about my partner.

What tips do you have for navigating conflicts? Leave a comment below and share them with the other readers.

How to use conflict to create deeper trust in your relationships

Men try to avoid conflict in the home, wanting to have a harmonious and peaceful space. I share why avoiding conflict doesn’t work and how it actually kills your relationships. If you want to build trust and intimacy you have to learn how to navigate the storms that inevitably come up. It’s not about winning arguments or being right…it’s about learning how to collaborate through the conflict.