No is a magic work and learning how to say it and stick with is an important skill. I share why men need to learn how to say no in their own lives. Additionally I discuss why it’s important to learn how to listen and accept a no, and move on with your life. Finally we discuss self respect and how setting your own boundaries and acknowledging other peoples’ boundaries is a form of self respect.
Finding Balance in Relationship pt 2: How to become a better listener
Picture courtesy of Pexels
One of the most important skills you can learn in relationship to your romantic lover, but also with people in general is how to become a better listener. Men in particular need to cultivate this skill, because we’ve been enculturated to speak up and not listen as much as we need to. Listening can also be hard, if you find yourself feeling triggered and reactive because of what someone else said. Nonetheless if you want to truly develop an intimate and loving relationship and reap the rewards of that relationship, listening is an essential skill.
When you are truly listening to someone, you need to listen with intent. This means you aren’t thinking of an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead you’re really listening to what they are saying and letting what is said land with you. You may have a reaction to what is shared, but you are able to recognize the reaction and set it aside so you can focus on the actual message. This is not always easy to do, and you will have moments where you aren’t able to listen as well as you could because of whatever reactions are coming up for you.
A good practice to help you with listening is to ask questions. When you ask questions you allow yourself to get curious about what you’re hearing. It gives you a chance to learn more and understand what your partner is sharing with you. It can also help your partner feel heard and recognized, which is important when you’re having tough conversations about topics that are near and dear to both of your hearts.
Another good practice is to make sure you listen without trying to problem solve. Your initial thought on hearing what the other person says may be to come up with a solution for the problem. Unless that person has asked for advice or a solution, don’t offer a solution. They may just want someone to listen to them about whatever the problem is. If you take the time to listen, you may find that the other person finds their own solution and its likely a better one than any you could come up with. And if they want your advice they’ll ask for it and you can offer it, without being obnoxious in the process.
When I listen to my love, I ground myself as much as possible. I listen with intent to be present with her and with awareness of both her and my emotional landscape. I don’t always succeed, but 9 times out of 10 I do well with listening to her because I focus on making sure she feels heard and seen. I know there’s room for improvement and I’m continuing to work on myself.
If you’ve really broken up with someone or you’ve had a moment of clarity about yourself and you recognize that you need to make some changes in your life, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, in which we’ll explore how to transform your relationship with yourself so you can show up better in your relationship with other people.
Finding balance in relationship pt 1: How to be a leader
When you’re in a romantic relationship (or more than one), one of the challenges that can come up is around how you show up in that relationship. Are you showing up as the little boy craving approval or are you showing up as a mature man, confident in himself and his presence? The answer to that question can speak volumes to the overall happiness and satisfaction you experience in your relationship, and can provide a valuable clue for how your partner(s) responds to you in your relationship.
Your partner doesn’t want the little boy craving approval. It’s a real turn off on every level of the relationship and can be a relationship killer. When you show up as the little boy, you treat your partner as a parental figure, seeking out their approval for what you do. It shows you don’t have a spine and it puts a lot of unwanted power in the hands of your partner. You put your partner into a position where they have to take charge and guide and lead you, which ends up being a relationship killer. You don’t want to be the little boy in a romantic relationship, because being that way demonstrates that you aren’t ready or capable of showing up in your relationship in a way that cultivates respect or shows that you are a man who can be relied upon.
Your partner wants the mature man who is confident in himself, able to show up as a leader in way that simultaneously creates a sense of safety, while also exciting your partner because you are a reliable man who can be counted on to show up when needed. A mature man is a man who embodies his sacred masculinity through his actions and words. He follows through on what he says he’ll do and he is also able to take accountability for his actions and choices in a way that doesn’t apologize for who he is, but does acknowledge when he’s made a mistake. A mature man knows who he is, and knows the principles by which he lives his life and as a result he is able to show up as a leader in his own life.
Your partner wants a leader…not so that you can lead them, though sometimes that may be a desire, but so that you can lead yourself. A man who doesn’t look to other people for approval and yet can also be fully present with other people is a sexy man, and the kind of man someone else can rely upon. The question is how do you become a leader in your own life and as a result show up in your relationship in a way that inspires and deepens the connection you have with your partner?
The first action you can take is to get clear on the code of behavior, the principles, by which you live your life. This code of behavior is something you must stick to no matter what, because when you compromise on it, you give away your strength of being and presence to your partner and that will cause your partner to feel disrespect for you. You don’t necessarily need to broadcast what this code of behavior is to anyone else, but you do need to know it and live it. An example of this code behavior might be the following:
I love, honor, and respect myself everyday.
I spend time with other men, in relationships that are nurturing and supportive.
These are just a couple of examples, but these are part of the code of behavior I live every day. If you aren’t clear on what your code of behavior is, you need to spend time thinking about what is essential to your happiness and well being and then stick with it, no matter what. This means you can compromise on this code of behavior, because if you you are giving away your sovereign leadership to someone else and in the process losing an essential part of the attraction that is between you.
The second action you can take is to resolve to handle conflict on your relationship from the place of the mature, sacred masculine. The mature man doesn’t react to conflict from a place of co-dependent neediness or whininess. He takes responsibility for his actions and he is able to ground himself, becoming solid in the face of anger, and listening with intent and awareness so that when he speaks and acts he does so in a way that reveals his awareness and his ability to advocate for himself as needed, without trying to duck responsibility.
A third action you can take is to connect with other men, and I’m not talking in the locker room or sports bar, but rather in a deep and meaningful way, where you are able to speak to to the challenges in your life and be supported by other men, who nonetheless will also challenge you to be a better man. When you have this kind of connection with other men, you aren’t white knuckling your way through every situation. Instead you have a supportive network of men who believe in you and also hold you to a higher standard in terms of how you show up in your life.
If you’ve recently broken up with your ex or you’ve had a moment of clarity around how you show up in relationship and you realize you need to make some changes, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, which shows you how to ground into your sacred masculine presence and apply it in your life so you’re no longer a wishy washy, insecure nice guy.
Images of self love can be masculine too
The other day I was writing another article and I did a search stock images of self love. What I found fascinating was that almost all of the images of self-love were of women. I found only one stock image that was free that had a man in it and even then that picture wasn’t showing the man expressing some form of self love and appreciation to himself but rather expressing love to someone else.
One of the tools of the sacred masculine is the tool of self love. On my own journey into men’s work I found that this tool was essential for helping me heal and embrace myself. I used to loath myself for being a man, because of how masculinity had been modeled to me by my dad, as well as the opinions expressed about it by the women in my life. I only started to really heal this wound when I started to love myself. I recognized I needed to change my attitude and perspective toward myself and discover what healthy masculinity looked like.
Men, and people in general, need to embrace self love. But men may find the idea of loving themselves particularly hard to adopt because we’re taught that men don’t feel. The truth is that men do feel, but they’ve been taught to bury their emotions. Burying your emotions just cuts you off from yourself as well as other people. Self love counteracts that numbness and teaches you how to connect with full intimacy and awareness of yourself and other people. It’s not a cure-all but when you start loving yourself you also start recognizing how much of yourself you’ve given away to other people and you start reclaiming it and creating healthy boundaries for yourself and others.
Self love is also a potent antidote to the heartache of breakups. Breakups are hard in general, but for men they can be particularly hard because of how much men wrap their identity up in the relationship. In my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup we explore how self-love can help you heal from the pain of your breakup and all the other relationships that didn’t work out. When men learn to love themselves it changes how they approach relationship, because they aren’t coming at it from a place of needy insecurity. They’re coming at relationship from a place of awareness and love for themselves, which enables them to hold better boundaries with other people.
A man who loves himself has a better sense of who he is, what he wants and what his mission and purpose is. He also knows he doesn’t need to go through life alone and through self love he starts reaching out and connecting with other men to create a brotherly bond where each man supports the other men. Men need to have healthy relationships with other men because it teaches them that they aren’t alone and that other men can relate to the challenges and struggles they are going through.
If we’re going to change how we show up in the world then we need to start by learning how to love yourselves. One way to model that is to show images of men expressing love for themselves in a way that’s affirms the importance of validating themselves. Men need to know it is healthy to value and love themselves. We haven’t been taught that, but more than ever we need to learn it.
What is intimacy?
What is intimacy? What does it mean to be intimate with someone or with yourself? I discuss what genuine intimacy is and why its important to be open to different ideas around intimacy beyond what we may commonly expect.
5 ways to show up as a leader in your life
You are the leader of your life, or you can be. You may not feel like a leader in this moment, but the one person who is in charge of your life and how you live it is you. It’s an important point to remember because so often a person can feel powerless due to circumstances that are out of their control, yet the one thing you have control over is how you respond to those circumstances. The response may not always be ideal, but it is within your power.
In my work in my own life and with other men, one of the skills I focus on is cultivating the skill of leadership. Leadership is an essential skill that helps you transform your life. All of us are capable of becoming leaders. We may not end up being a leader at the job we work at, or in the organization you’re involved in, but leadership isn’t always about being a leader in every activity you’re involved in. Being a leader is about taking charge of the direction of your life and the choices you make around how you live your life, solve your problems, and create the adventure you’ve always wanted to live.
So how do you show up as a leader in your life?
Discover your mission - Your mission is unique to you. It is the sense of purpose and direction that you bring to your life. When you don’t know what your mission is, it can cause you to feel like you are lost. If you want to become a leader in your life, you have to discover your mission. It needs to be a mission that goes beyond the relationship you are in, or the job you work at. Your mission is what you offer to the world.
How do you discover your mission? What matters most to you? What brings you to life? In my case, it’s my spiritual work and the work I do with men. Those two activities bring me a sense of joy and purpose and comprise my mission. You may not immediately figure that out, so ask yourself this: How do I want to show up in the world? And then live the answer.
Choose your habits - Your habits define your life. If you are indulging in bad habits, those habits will create experiences that while pleasurable in the moment, will ultimately drain you of your life. If you choose good habits, you enhance your life but it also requires that you are willing to stick with those habits. For example stretching and exercising in the morning will help you stay flexible and healthy and instill a good habit.
The habits we choose are chosen because of what they provide us in the short term, but we also have to look at the long term impact of those choices. Healthy habits lead to better quality of life and happiness while unhealthy habits are usually coping mechanisms that are put in place to avoid dealing with the deeper unhappiness that you may likely be feeling. If you want to be a better leader, you need to lead yourself and one of the ways you do that is through the choices you make each day.
Honor and love yourself - We are taught to love other people, but the most important person you can give your love to is yourself. It’s equally as important to honor and respect yourself. Many people don’t honor and love themselves. Instead they loathe themselves and place all their hope for love and respect in the hands of other people.
Learning to love yourself involves not just saying a mantra that you love yourself, but adopting actual practices of self love and care. Some of those practices can be found in taking on good habits, but some of them can be found through deliberately choosing yourself. When you choose to honor your inner truths, your needs and wants as well as your mission and purpose you are choosing to love and honor yourself.
Participate in your community - So many men isolate themselves, focusing on their work and their relationship with their partner. Men need to have relationships outside of work that are intimate but don’t involve romance or creating a life with someone. Men need to participate in their communities, in meaningful ways that reflect the mission and purpose they follow.
Participation in your community means doing something to contribute to your community. For example, I staff at men’s weekend retreats as a way of participating and contributing to my community. You could teach a class in your community or do some other activity that allows you to help the community you are part of. When you lead yourself, you make the choice to show up for your community.
Take charge of the direction of your life - You can live a life where other people are in charge or you can live a life where you take charge of yourself and your actions. The former type of life typically sees a man answering to his boss, partner and everyone else, always trying to please them, always playing the nice guy, always making choices that go against his inner truths and desires. The later type of life is an adventure of your making. You honor your inner truths by speaking up for them and taking meaningful action on them. You recognize that you need to validate yourself by learning to love and respect what really matters to you.
If you need help with taking charge of your life, I invite you to sign up for a 20 minute sacred masculinity coaching session with me. In that time we’ll discuss a challenge you’re facing in your life and I’ll help you come up with a solution that honors your sacred masculine strength and shows you how you can move forward in a meaningful way. Click the link to sign up.
How to forgive yourself
When we don’t forgive ourselves we can’t move forward in our lives, because we carry the burden of our pain as a judgement against ourselves. I share how to forgive yourself and why its important for you to do this in order to heal from your past relationships and other cycles that may be holding you back from living your best life and embracing your sacred masculine power.
How to recognize when you are burning out
January is a month where I have to slow down what I do in my life because of the demands of my day job. I provide technical support for financial software for businesses, which translates into mandatory overtime and dealing with stressed out people. By the end of my working day I’m usually emotionally and mentally tapped. What I have learned to do is slow down during January and accept that what I usually do in terms of writing and other content creation simply isn’t going to happen to the same degree as it happens the rest of the year.
It’s important to recognize when you could be headed toward burnout. When you recognize that you are starting to burnout you can take preventative measures but the most important you can take is to actually yourself to have the space to reset and recharge. So often we are told to be productive, to always be doing some activity, but sometimes what we really need to do is slow down and pace ourselves.
I call this slowing down wintering and it is the deliberate cultivation of a state of slowing down and taking care of yourself instead of trying to do all the things. What I’ve learned to do is integrate wintering into they rhythm of my life so that I know when to slow down instead of continually trying to be productive. By learning how to pace myself, I maintain a state of well being that helps me avoid burnout because I proactively slow down.
You can take the same approach in your own life. Review the cycles of your life. If there are points in the cycle of a given year where you find yourself busier in one area of your life, it can be really helpful to slow down in other areas of your life. You can also do the same activity with your day. For example, I meditate during my lunch. This helps me to slow down during my busy days and gives me time to reset and recover.
There can be a lot of pressure to be on all the time, but you don’t have to be on all time and its not actually helpful to be on all the time. When you are burning out, its because you’re having to be on all the time. Turn off and allow yourself the necessity of rest and of doing activities that nourish you. If you do this proactively you won’t burnout because you’ll be taking care of yourself in a way where you preserve your creativity, well-being and overall focus.
One of the best ways you can take care of yourself the other people in your life is making the choice to deliberately create habits of rest and rejuvenation. When you take a nap or go for a walk or do some other activity that isn’t “productive” keep in mind that it actually feeds your productivity, because it gives you the break you need to have in order to recharge yourself.
How to get curious in your relationship (and get a better relationship as a result)
One of the book I’m reading is Love Between Equals (affiliate link) by Polly Young-Eisendrath. The author makes a very insightful point about how we engage our partners. Many times the engagement you have with your lover is one where you are caught up in your memories and triggers, which aren’t necessarily related to your partner but have been prompted by a conflict you are having. When this happens it can become very easy to withdraw into your shell and try to protect yourself by getting caught up in your own narrative about what that person has said or done.
This is a reactive form of thinking, feeling and experiencing, and its one ALL of us do at one time or another because we feel threatened or we’re having a bad day and we end up bringing that bad day into our home. When this happens it can be very easy to get caught up in the reaction, but that’s when we need to take a deep breath and ground our awareness in our sacred masculine energy so that we can do something very important: Get curious and open ourselves to listening and learning from the situation.
Getting curious means asking questions and listening with an open heart and mind. It also means not taking words that are expressed so personally that you make everything about you. Instead you get curious about what is actually happening and if you feel yourself starting to react, you acknowledge the reaction within you, but also set it aside because you know its your inner fear coming up and making an ass out of you.
Getting curious means you set aside your judgements of your partner and let go of the need to diagnose how they are behaving and instead show genuine compassion and concern for what is being shared, even if in the moment it feels like your sweetheart is attacking you. They may be genuinely upset with you, and this doesn’t mean you should be a punching bag and take verbal abuse, but it does mean that you make the choice to de-escalate the situation by showing that you are present and aware with the person you love.
When you ask questions and listen from a place of genuine curiosity and concern, these simple actions can show your lover that you care and want to address whatever is coming up with them. Stop and take a breath and direct your energy downward toward your belly and from there to your feet. Ground into the earth and then listen with an open heart and mind.
What is this person really saying?
What are the emotions they are expressing?
How can you acknowledge what they are sharing and speak to what is being said and unsaid?
Remember also that you don’t have to have an answer to the situation. Sometimes the best response is to just listen with an open mind and heart. Sometimes the best thing you could say is to ask a question or make an observation without trying to offer a solution…and if you want to offer a solution, ask the person first. They may not want a solution. They may just need someone to listen.
If you can do these actions your relationship with your love will improve significantly. When a person realizes that you are actually listening and really want to know their perspective and experience that alone can significantly defuse the situation and help all people feel empowered by the relationship.
How to recognize and release shame
The feeling of shame is a feeling that can root itself in your body and prevent you from being present with yourself. It is a feeling that you can struggle with, because it is a feeling that says you are bad. I discuss how to recognize shame and what to do to release it from your life.
Your life is more than your relationship
One of the mistakes I see men make (and one I’ve made myself at times) is that a man will focus so much on the romantic relationship he excludes everything else in his life. This is not a a healthy approach to romantic or any other types of relationship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person suppresses their own needs because they prioritize what they think the other person needs over their own needs. When a person lives for someone else’s happiness, they give up a vital part of themselves and it sours the relationship.
So why does someone do this? One reason can be poor self esteem, but another reason can also be that you feel more desire for the other person than they feel for you. Sometimes both reasons go hand in hand. Regardless of what the reason is, it can create significant problems if you don’t recognize the pattern and make changes.
The best recommendation I have is to spend time developing a relationship with the one you’re always with, and that person isn’t your significant other. That person is you. You are the most important person in your life and you’re the one person you’ll always be with, so spend time with yourself, discovering what you genuinely enjoy. By making quality time for yourself you can discover an essential truth of life: You can make it on your own and be happy being with yourself. This doesn’t mean you should breakup with your partner, but it does mean that you can recognize that life will go on and there will be good times.
So often we hold romantic relationships up as the holy grail for a person to aspire to, but while it can be wonderful to be with someone, a relationship ought to enhance your life, not become your life. When a man makes a relationship more important than anything else, he can lose the respect of his partner. His partner wants a person with a spine, who has his own interests and activity and can be independent, but also know when to make time for romantic and practical considerations.
In most of my relationships I have been fairly independent. I’ve worked on my writing projects and pursued other activities such as going to the gym and martial arts, but there have been times where I’ve subsumed my identity in favor of the person I was with. I think this is a normal part of relationships to some degree. There are times where you may need to prioritize your significant other(s) because they are going through some experience or because you’ve made plans, but its also important to keep some balance and perspective.
You can do this by pursuing your own hobbies but also making time with friends, family, and community. You can also do this by continuing to cultivate your own interest and activities so that when you come back into the orbit of your sweetheart you have something interesting to share and appreciate about each other. You are more than your relationship. So is your life…and when you appreciate that, you’ll also appreciate yourself, your sweetie and your relationship more.
Book Reviews for 2023
The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels (affiliate link)
This is one of the most helpful self help books I’ve read, mainly because it provides practical tools you can use to change your life. Of course you have to apply these tools to make them useful, but using them has proven to be very helpful to me. Consistent application of them has helped me work through fear and resistance and helped me continue a process of creating the life I want to live.
From the Core by John Wineland (Affiliate link)
This was a fascinating and relevant book for me to read, especially as I’ve been continuing to explore my journey into sacred masculinity. The author explores what it means to be rooted to the core of your masculinity and shares how this expresses itself in the relationships you have with other people in your life. I found a lot of the advice relevant, especially in light of starting a new relationship. I found myself changing certain behaviors and being more rooted in a way that honored the people in my life and created better relationships. If you want to live a rooted life in your masculine power this is a good book to help you with that process.
The Masculine in Relationship by GS Youngblood (Affiliate link)
Reading this book helped me get clarity around my relationship with my partner. It helped me see past patterns that hadn’t worked and allowed me to make changes that have helped me really show up in a way where I can lead my partner from my masculine core and enjoy her feminine come out as a result. There is a wealth of information in this book that can help a man step into a truly intimate and deep relationship with his partner.
Men’s Work by Connor Beaton (Affiliate link)
Men’s work provides a no holds barred approach to doing the deep work all men need to do if they want to truly step into their masculine identity. In this book the author provides helpful exercises that enable you to explore your relationship with your emotions, and other areas of your life. I found this book to be very helpful on my journey to explore the sacred masculine.
Circles of Men by Clay Boykin (affiliate link)
Circles of Men provides another perspective on how to create and form men’s groups. The author attempts to differentiate how his approach to men’s groups is different from other models but from what I can tell it’s a fairly similar approach. I still found this book helpful to read and it gave me ideas on how I can better facilitate the groups I am part of.
The choose yourself guide to wealth by James Altucher (affiliate link)
This book continues what James shared in the original title Choose yourself, only he looks at it from the perspective of wealth. It’s filled with James sense of humor but also provides some valuable insights on how to explore the generation of wealth through ideas, networking, and being of service to other people. I found it helpful in terms of mindset and changing how I approach my own wealth generation strategies.
Wired for love by Stan Tatkin (Affiliate link)
In this book the author introduces the concept of the couple bubble, where you create a container for your relationship and focus on getting to know your partner and learning to recognize their patterns of behavior, so you can anticipate and be in better relationship with them. I found the book to be helpful in terms of understanding my partner and her communication style as well as recognizing my communication style and the shortcomings I have…as well as how to work on them and the relationship better as a result.
Book Review: Celebrating the Male Mysteries by RJ Stewart (affiliate link)
In Celebrating the Male Mysteries, RJ Stewart shares the importance of exploring the masculine mysteries and presents a healthy vision of what such mysteries can look like as well as how they can interface into mystery traditions in general. Practical exercises and theory are presented as well as specific visualizations that men can use for sacromagical work. I recommend reading through the book once and then going back through and doing the exercises. This book can be an excellent companion to other men’s work books and offers another valuable resource for creating healthy masculinity and relationships.
Book Review: The Hazards of Being Male by Herb Goldberg (affiliate link)
This book shares the hard truth about male privilege, and how the so-called privilege of men is anything but a privilege. While this book was written in the 1970’s it could accurately describe the experience most men go through even now. Reading this book made me angry and made me realize how trashed men are for the supposed privilege we have, when in reality we end up paying a lot for the privilege we get. This book was eye-opening and helped me recognize how much discrimination men experience in no small part of because of the roles they are thrust into. It also speaks a simple truth: It is up to each man to free himself of the toxic expectations of society and in the process become a self-actualized man.
Book Review: The Passion Trap by Dean Delis with Cassandra Philips (Affiliate link)
This is a fascinating book which explores how to recognize an unbalanced relationship and your role in that relationship as well as work to right the relationship. As I read this book I found myself thinking about all my relationships and recognizing when I had been the one down or one up in the relationship. I’ve also begun applying what I’m reading to my current relationship to help me find a better balance in the relationship.
Book Review: The Male Mysteries by Nikki Dorakis (affiliate link)
In this book the author shares rites and rituals that can be used as coming of age or initiations for men’s mysteries in a Pagan context. This is a fascinating book which can really help men both in terms of using what’s in the book, but also designing their own male mysteries.
Book Review: Swamplands of the Soul (Affiliate link) by James Hollis
In this book the author explores how to deal with the inevitable realities of moments in our lives when we feel depression, sadness, loss, betrayal and other emotions. He shares that rather than trying to always be happy we should strive for meaning and provides some useful perspectives via Jungian psychology on how a person might do this. It’s another excellent book by this author.
Book Review: When Sorry isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas (Affiliate link)
Other than the occasional sermon on Christianity, this is a really good book to read on how to apologize. The author shares that there are multiple apology languages and discusses how to discover the apology language that applies to the person you are apologizing to, as well as how to identify your own apology language. I’ve already applied the teachings of this book to my apologies and its helping a lot with being able to make good apologies.
Be better: The mantra we can all live by
One of the themes I’ve been exploring in my life is the theme of being better. By being better, I don’t mean being better than someone else, or comparing myself to other people. I’ve done all that before and its not helpful behavior because I find that it actually holds a person back from their greatness.
When I talk about being better, what I really mean is making the choice to improve yourself each day. This choice to improve yourself doesn’t mean you have to make grandiose changes. Rather it means that you pick an area of your life and you make gradual changes that help you get better. Here’s a few examples that may inspire you in your own efforts to be better.
Example 1: I started exercising each morning for 10-15 minutes. I do this each each day, focusing first on stretching and then doing a series of core exercises to help improve my core strength. I have been slowly increasing the time I exercise, and I’ve also used this morning activity to inspire exercise in the evening.
You can take a similar approach with your own physical health. Carve out a specific time of day and start doing stretches and exercises during that time. Initially you might start with 5 minutes and then work on getting to 6 minutes, gradually increasing your time spent exercising.
Example 2: I started working on my posture. My Sifu has been helping me work on my posture. I’ve been using the stretches as well as his instruction and several books to help me do specific exercises each day to straighten my posture out. Each day I spend a few minutes working on these stretches and I am noticing that I am standing taller and feeling more confident as a result.
If you want to work on your posture, have someone look at it with you and then start introducing changes to how you carry yourself. My initial focus was just on standing up straighter, but now its moved over to sitting differently, walking differently, etc. You can do the same by focusing in one specific aspect you want to change and then carry it over to another area you want to improve on.
Example 3: Reading each night. Each night I spend a half hour reading. I make the choice to slow down my evening after I finish writing by taking some time to read. It feeds my mind, gives me something to contemplate and helps me continue the work I am doing. Initially I was only reading for ten minutes and I gradually moved the time up so I was making more time to read.
Each of these examples involves making a commitment to do a specific behavior but it also involves making a time commitment. The time commitment doesn’t have to be lengthy. If you spend 5 minutes doing something that helps you be better than that’s an improvement right there. What you’ll find is that the more you do something, the more easy it becomes to commit to doing it for longer periods of time, and also applying it to other areas of your life.
Being better is really about making incremental changes. The little changes we make create the opportunities for growth and improvement that we want but they make them sustainable! Sustainable change is what enables us to create momentum in our lives around the improvement we want to create for ourselves.
How to stop being lonely when you are alone
One of the challenges that men face is how to deal with feeling lonely, when you are alone. A lot of men try to find someone to make that feeling of loneliness go away, but the best approach is to learn how to be with yourself and connect with your community. I share my own story and work around loneliness and how I have learned to be more comfortable with it.
How to maintain your boundaries as a spiritual discipline
I discuss how to set boundaries and then explore the sacred masculine mysteries of Saturn in relationship to setting boundaries. I also share why boundaries can help you become more aware of your own limits and discuss how poor boundaries allow you to get stepped all over.
Why its important to learn how to receive
I’ve never been comfortable with receiving praise, compliments, or acknowledgement from people. When someone has praised me I have either tried to praise them back or dismissed what was shared. It’s not even for a reason of false modesty. Rather its for the reason of being uncomfortable with praise. Recently, however I’ve been working on receiving compliments that other people share with me.
It’s a work in progress, but I realize that allowing myself to receive compliments from other people or something else they want to share with me is actually a form of confidence. When I can receive what someone shares without having to respond beyond a genuine thank you it shows that I am comfortable with accepting that someone has something to share with me.
I don’t know if this issue around receiving praise is universal for men, but I do think its important to learn how to receive from other people. If you find yourself deflecting or downplaying what someone else says to you, it might be time to look at what the real motive is. You also may want to consider how you might actually be hurting the person who has shared their praise with you.
In my case, my girlfriend shared that my downplaying of her praise makes it harder for her to offer that praise. When I heard that it helped me realize that I needed to spend more time listening to her, and less time trying to either praise her back or downplay her. However it also caused me to reflect on why I was resistant to praise.
I realized part of it was a resistance around being recognized for my efforts because in the past I had not been recognized for when I accomplished something. I was only recognized for what I had not done well. It felt odd to receive recognition from someone for something I was doing well and in a way I felt put on the spot. When I recognized this about myself it helped me also understand that I needed to change this particular limiting identity for a different one that recognizes and appreciates myself and allows other people to also recognize me.
If you find yourself encountering a similar difficulty around receiving praise from other people, you may want to look at the root of your resistance and consider how that could be undermining your confidence in general. I know that once I began to accept and acknowledge praise I also have begun to feel more confident in myself because I am recognizing I have worth in how I show up. Learning to receive is helping me learn to accept myself and what I have to offer. You can do the same in your own life by taking the time to hold space with what someone shares about you and accepting it as a genuine appreciative expression how you show up in their lives.
What is the role of spirituality in sacred masculinity?
One of the questions I’ve been asking myself lately is what the role of spirituality is within sacred masculinity. I’m asking this question because while I appreciate the deep psychological work that happens with men’s work, what I’m also finding is that there’s something missing. It’s important to be in touch with your mission and purpose, and to develop a better understanding of how your wounds are showing up in your life, with yourself and other people. All of that is essential work for men to do.
But I realized there was something missing, a deeper level of connection, a spiritual level of connection. This spiritual level of connection could come in many forms. It’s not limited to a specific religion or spiritual system of belief, but it is something that puts men in touch with the spiritual essence of masculinity and allows them to express it, either in a positive or negative way.
We see this expression in a negative way through patriarchal expressions of the spiritual dimensions of masculinity. This comes in the form of attempting to control other peoples’ bodies, controlling the expression people have, and in the hierarchical inequities that are built into patriarchy for almost everyone. It also shows up in how the environment and nature is treated as a disposable resource to be conquered. This spiritual expression of masculinity creates a toxic pattern that is ultimately harmful for all involve because it glorifies an unbalanced perspective of masculinity as a dominant expression of life.
We see this expression in a positive way through expressions of masculinity where the feminine is recognized as equal (and also distinct) and in the recognition that we have a place within the world where we share the world with other life, instead of trying to dominate and control it. We see the positive spiritual expression of masculinity found through collaborative brotherhood and finding ways to work together and support each other, but we also find it in the exploration of male mysteries.
What are the male mysteries?
The male mysteries are spiritual processes that lead men into a deeper and healthier relationship with their masculinity. They are the rites of passage that help a boy transition to manhood and allow men to transition through the aging processing. The male mysteries connect us to the sacromasculine essence that all people have. As with anything else, this essence isn’t inherently positive or negative.
Within the healthy context of sacred masculinity work, the focus of the male mysteries is on developing a balance within ourselves where we learn the fundamental skills of how to create boundaries, develop awareness around our mission and purpose and create grounded presence. But the male mysteries is also a journey of self discovery around the sacred sexual mysteries of masculinity, the connection to the land and other aspects we have lost touch with through the advent of modern culture.
The choice to work with sacred masculinity isn’t just a choice of working on yourself as a man and how you want to show up in the world. That work is important and it’s the initial step men must take when they recognize how they are embodying toxic patterns of masculinity in their lives. The sacred masculinity work takes place once we have achieved a healthy relationship with our masculinity. At that point we can ask ourselves how we can draw on the sacromasculine essence to connect with powers of the land as well as do deeper work within ourselves in relationship to the divine masculine.
How to recognize when you aren't in integrity with yourself
Integrity starts with yourself. If you aren't in integrity with yourself, how can you be in integrity with anyone else?
I am out of integrity with myself when I bury my truth in favor of people pleasing, don't speak my truth, and otherwise behave in a way that isn't in alignment with who I want to be.
You can be in integrity with yourself most of the time, but all it takes is one moment of weakness to put yourself out of integrity.
I share how to recognize when you are out of integrity with yourself and what you can do about it.
The Ethos of the Sacred Masculine pt. 9: Embrace your pain and make it your ally
Men carry pain with them and more often than not they don’t know how to express that pain and sometimes they may not even be consciously aware of it. That pain ends up defining our lives in ways that aren’t always healthy.
When you become an addict to alcohol, drugs, sex, or porn, you are acting out that pain.
When you become emotionally or physically abusive with someone else, you are acting out that pain.
Reading this doesn’t give you a justification to act out the pain. If anything it indicates that you need to zoom in on that pain and discover what it’s really about.
A man grounded in the sacred masculine can hold space with his pain and learn from it, and turn it into an ally.
Your pain can become your ally when you learn how to listen to it and enable it to transform your life in a real and powerful way.
Get curious about your pain. It may bring up some trauma, so be careful and kind to yourself, but get curious so you can learn more about it and deprogram the triggers. when you deprogram the triggers you can change the pattern and as a result you change your life.
Why Doing Men's Work Requires Other Men
Men need other men when doing the inner work they do around masculinity. I break down why this is so essential and why you don’t have to be alone in order to do this work.