When you’re in a romantic relationship (or more than one), one of the challenges that can come up is around how you show up in that relationship. Are you showing up as the little boy craving approval or are you showing up as a mature man, confident in himself and his presence? The answer to that question can speak volumes to the overall happiness and satisfaction you experience in your relationship, and can provide a valuable clue for how your partner(s) responds to you in your relationship.
Your partner doesn’t want the little boy craving approval. It’s a real turn off on every level of the relationship and can be a relationship killer. When you show up as the little boy, you treat your partner as a parental figure, seeking out their approval for what you do. It shows you don’t have a spine and it puts a lot of unwanted power in the hands of your partner. You put your partner into a position where they have to take charge and guide and lead you, which ends up being a relationship killer. You don’t want to be the little boy in a romantic relationship, because being that way demonstrates that you aren’t ready or capable of showing up in your relationship in a way that cultivates respect or shows that you are a man who can be relied upon.
Your partner wants the mature man who is confident in himself, able to show up as a leader in way that simultaneously creates a sense of safety, while also exciting your partner because you are a reliable man who can be counted on to show up when needed. A mature man is a man who embodies his sacred masculinity through his actions and words. He follows through on what he says he’ll do and he is also able to take accountability for his actions and choices in a way that doesn’t apologize for who he is, but does acknowledge when he’s made a mistake. A mature man knows who he is, and knows the principles by which he lives his life and as a result he is able to show up as a leader in his own life.
Your partner wants a leader…not so that you can lead them, though sometimes that may be a desire, but so that you can lead yourself. A man who doesn’t look to other people for approval and yet can also be fully present with other people is a sexy man, and the kind of man someone else can rely upon. The question is how do you become a leader in your own life and as a result show up in your relationship in a way that inspires and deepens the connection you have with your partner?
The first action you can take is to get clear on the code of behavior, the principles, by which you live your life. This code of behavior is something you must stick to no matter what, because when you compromise on it, you give away your strength of being and presence to your partner and that will cause your partner to feel disrespect for you. You don’t necessarily need to broadcast what this code of behavior is to anyone else, but you do need to know it and live it. An example of this code behavior might be the following:
I love, honor, and respect myself everyday.
I spend time with other men, in relationships that are nurturing and supportive.
These are just a couple of examples, but these are part of the code of behavior I live every day. If you aren’t clear on what your code of behavior is, you need to spend time thinking about what is essential to your happiness and well being and then stick with it, no matter what. This means you can compromise on this code of behavior, because if you you are giving away your sovereign leadership to someone else and in the process losing an essential part of the attraction that is between you.
The second action you can take is to resolve to handle conflict on your relationship from the place of the mature, sacred masculine. The mature man doesn’t react to conflict from a place of co-dependent neediness or whininess. He takes responsibility for his actions and he is able to ground himself, becoming solid in the face of anger, and listening with intent and awareness so that when he speaks and acts he does so in a way that reveals his awareness and his ability to advocate for himself as needed, without trying to duck responsibility.
A third action you can take is to connect with other men, and I’m not talking in the locker room or sports bar, but rather in a deep and meaningful way, where you are able to speak to to the challenges in your life and be supported by other men, who nonetheless will also challenge you to be a better man. When you have this kind of connection with other men, you aren’t white knuckling your way through every situation. Instead you have a supportive network of men who believe in you and also hold you to a higher standard in terms of how you show up in your life.
If you’ve recently broken up with your ex or you’ve had a moment of clarity around how you show up in relationship and you realize you need to make some changes, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, which shows you how to ground into your sacred masculine presence and apply it in your life so you’re no longer a wishy washy, insecure nice guy.
