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One of the most important skills you can learn in relationship to your romantic lover, but also with people in general is how to become a better listener. Men in particular need to cultivate this skill, because we’ve been enculturated to speak up and not listen as much as we need to. Listening can also be hard, if you find yourself feeling triggered and reactive because of what someone else said. Nonetheless if you want to truly develop an intimate and loving relationship and reap the rewards of that relationship, listening is an essential skill.
When you are truly listening to someone, you need to listen with intent. This means you aren’t thinking of an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead you’re really listening to what they are saying and letting what is said land with you. You may have a reaction to what is shared, but you are able to recognize the reaction and set it aside so you can focus on the actual message. This is not always easy to do, and you will have moments where you aren’t able to listen as well as you could because of whatever reactions are coming up for you.
A good practice to help you with listening is to ask questions. When you ask questions you allow yourself to get curious about what you’re hearing. It gives you a chance to learn more and understand what your partner is sharing with you. It can also help your partner feel heard and recognized, which is important when you’re having tough conversations about topics that are near and dear to both of your hearts.
Another good practice is to make sure you listen without trying to problem solve. Your initial thought on hearing what the other person says may be to come up with a solution for the problem. Unless that person has asked for advice or a solution, don’t offer a solution. They may just want someone to listen to them about whatever the problem is. If you take the time to listen, you may find that the other person finds their own solution and its likely a better one than any you could come up with. And if they want your advice they’ll ask for it and you can offer it, without being obnoxious in the process.
When I listen to my love, I ground myself as much as possible. I listen with intent to be present with her and with awareness of both her and my emotional landscape. I don’t always succeed, but 9 times out of 10 I do well with listening to her because I focus on making sure she feels heard and seen. I know there’s room for improvement and I’m continuing to work on myself.
If you’ve really broken up with someone or you’ve had a moment of clarity about yourself and you recognize that you need to make some changes in your life, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Beyond the Breakup, in which we’ll explore how to transform your relationship with yourself so you can show up better in your relationship with other people.
