How I'm learning to love being single

I recently became single again, and just as with the last time, I wisely committed myself to being single for at least 6 months, if not longer, because I knew I needed to make space to grieve for the relationship, process anything else that came up, and also rediscover myself outside of being in relationship with someone else.

I’m finding that I’m really enjoying being single. In my twenties and thirties I was filled with a sense of desperation. I had to find my person, or people, because being single meant having to be with me, and that wasn’t something I wanted. It wasn’t the healthiest attitude to have toward myself, but I think a lot of people filled with self loathing operate in a similar way. We try to find a panacea for the condition of our lives, little realizing that the true panacea is only found within.

This isn’t to say that relationship doesn’t have its purpose. It surely does and it can be transformative, nurturing and healing to be with someone else. It can also be a lot of work. Relationships have their place in our lives and hopefully we find that person or people who we can joyfully engage with and learn from, conflict with and grow wiser in the process.

But there is something joyful about being in relationship with myself as well. This latest iteration of singlehood has become an adventure for me, especially as I’ve reached out to my different communities and connected with them even more deeply.

So often if a person is single, its treated as if being single is a state of being that ought to be avoided, because you’ll be lonely. But being single doesn’t have to be that way. I am single, but I don’t feel lonely. I can pick up the phone and talk with someone or text and know that someone is around. I can go to events around town and see someone I know or meet new people and enjoy the experience. Or I can take myself on a date and appreciate the opportunity to do something fun with me.

Embrace being single. It can be an adventure. It can be an opportunity to fall deeply in love with the one person who will never be out of your life: Yourself!

Do you feel safe?

This is one of the hardest questions men never ask themselves, but it is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself. What does it mean to feel safe? What is safety? How do we find it in our lives? Let's go on a quest and explore these questions!

A creative approach to shadow work

Picture courtesy Taylor Ellwood

One of the practices I’ve integrated into my own men’s work and a practice I share with my clients is shadow work. Shadow work can come in many different forms, but regardless of what form it takes, it is absolutely essential for calling out the shadow within ourselves. A shadow is a behavior a person engages in that sabotages them. Shadow can show up in many different ways.

For example, one of the ways that shadow can show up is in how you communicate. If you make passive aggressive comments your shadow is coming out. You aren’t speaking up for yourself in a clear and transparent way.

Another example of shadow would be choosing to engage in deceptive behavior, where you are saying one thing, but doing the opposite behavior, or choosing to act on a behavior but not being honest about what you are doing. When we act on shadow behavior we undermine our relationship with ourselves as well as with the people around us.

So how do we draw the shadow out and work with it so that we can transform it into gold and improve our lives in the process?

image courtesy of Taylor Ellwood 2023

There are different processes that are available to help you work with your shadow. One of the processes I like to use involves creating a shadow mask. I have one of my shadow masks, for passive aggressive communication depicted here. I paint the front of the mask with the face I show to the world. I make the back of the mask a collage, where I share what I tell myself to justify my behavior.

I take these masks and place them in my office where I can see them each day. I reflect on them each day and reflect on how my behavior shows up each day in my interactions with myself and other people. The masks call on me to be honest with myself and honest with others. They call out my shadow behavior where I can see it and make it visible to me, even if no one else sees it.

I have a ritual planned for the masks, when I recommit myself to the sacred masculine work. In the meantime, they keep me company and call me to accounts.

How to recognize and release shame

Shame is at the root of toxic masculinity. I share how to recognize and release shame so it no longer keeps you in a disempowered relationship with your masculinity.

Men Relationship with Fear pt 3

I share a couple of powerful pathworking techniques you can do to help you work through fear. Each of these techniques can help you change your relationship with fear and transform how you handle fear as well as how you show up in your life.

Men's Relationship with Fear part 1

Let’s get real about fear and how we deal with fear. Fear is a part of life. Men have been taught to ignore and repress their feelings of fear in the futile hope that denying that a feeling of fear exists will make that fear go away. I share why this approach doesn’t work in part 1 of this series.