What is your relationship with anger?
Men grow up learning that anger is often the only emotion they can express. But in my case, I learned that I wasn’t allowed to express anger toward other people. In this episode, I share how I’m transforming my relationship with anger by learning how to be more assertive. I also discuss why holding your anger in just makes you angrier and unhappier, while expressing your anger in the moment releases the anger you’ve been holding onto.
I recently became single again, and just as with the last time, I wisely committed myself to being single for at least 6 months, if not longer, because I knew I needed to make space to grieve for the relationship, process anything else that came up, and also rediscover myself outside of being in relationship with someone else.
I’m finding that I’m really enjoying being single. In my twenties and thirties I was filled with a sense of desperation. I had to find my person, or people, because being single meant having to be with me, and that wasn’t something I wanted. It wasn’t the healthiest attitude to have toward myself, but I think a lot of people filled with self loathing operate in a similar way. We try to find a panacea for the condition of our lives, little realizing that the true panacea is only found within.
This isn’t to say that relationship doesn’t have its purpose. It surely does and it can be transformative, nurturing and healing to be with someone else. It can also be a lot of work. Relationships have their place in our lives and hopefully we find that person or people who we can joyfully engage with and learn from, conflict with and grow wiser in the process.
But there is something joyful about being in relationship with myself as well. This latest iteration of singlehood has become an adventure for me, especially as I’ve reached out to my different communities and connected with them even more deeply.
So often if a person is single, its treated as if being single is a state of being that ought to be avoided, because you’ll be lonely. But being single doesn’t have to be that way. I am single, but I don’t feel lonely. I can pick up the phone and talk with someone or text and know that someone is around. I can go to events around town and see someone I know or meet new people and enjoy the experience. Or I can take myself on a date and appreciate the opportunity to do something fun with me.
Embrace being single. It can be an adventure. It can be an opportunity to fall deeply in love with the one person who will never be out of your life: Yourself!
When you hear the phrase men’s work, do you wonder what that phrase means? In this video I’m going to discuss what men’s work is and share why it’s so important, especially if you want to improve your relationships with other people and create a meaningful and purposeful life.
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions and experiences a person can feel. It can become a background emotion that keeps a person in a bad place because of the messaging that comes along with that feeling of shame. Shame is distinct from guilt. If I feel guilty, I feel bad about something I’ve done. If I feel shame I feel bad about my identity and I take what I’m feeling make it personal to my identity. Neither feeling is necessarily easy to deal with, but guilt is easier to let go of, especially if the situation is addressed and resolved. Shame lingers. A person who feels shame can carry it with them because they’ve turned it into self-loathing. Shame kills the sense of self-worth a person has.
So what is the antidote to shame?
First I recommend looking at your messaging around the word should. Should is a shame word that can cause you to feel like you aren’t good enough. It’s telling you what you should do and there’s a judgement to what you should do, in regards to what you are actually doing.
Take a step back from that should word. Where is it coming from? Who is behind that messaging? Chances are your should is someone else’s voice telling you something about yourself. Is that message true or is it a projection you are giving power to? When we look at our shoulds with a bit of distance we can see that they are charged messages that have more to do with the judgement of other people than who we actually are. Let those judgements go and let go of the power behind that statement.
Another antidote to shame is the purposeful cultivation of self love. A self love practice may initially consist of telling yourself that you love yourself but can also evolve over time. For example, my self love practice includes stretches and exercises in the morning and kung fu in the evening so I can keep myself in good shape and because of how I physically feel. When you actively practice self love in your life this can go a long way toward helping you heal from shame.
A gratitude practice can also be helpful. Each night when I go to bed I review my day and what it is I am grateful for. This helps me put my day into perspective and part of my gratitude is toward myself, thanking myself for actions I took or other ways I showed up. By actively giving recognition to myself I am also orienting toward positive feelings about myself and this counteracts any shame I may be feeling.
Shame operates on stories about ourselves that we tell in order to punish ourselves. The punishment doesn’t help us feel better though. It reinforces the shame and damages our sense of self worth. The solution is to actively change our narrative and find ways to love ourselves and also change our thoughts and beliefs around the shoulds in our lives.
One of the challenges that men face is around rites of passage, and specifically around the lack of rites of passage that are available to them. We live in a society where meaningful rites of passage have fallen away and what has been left are empty gestures and unhealthy behaviors that don’t really convey a sense of earned masculinity to the people involved.
Getting the license to drive or being able to vote can be important, but there’s not a sense of depth conveyed with either experience. Being allowed to officially smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol is a joke given how many people start smoking or drinking before they are legally allowed to do so, nor does indulging in either vice convey a sense of adulthood or healthy choices.
In my own experience I didn’t have a meaningful rite of passage in my life that opened me to the men’s mysteries until much later in life. Even so, having such a rite of passage still brought me to a place of growth and transformation that was meaningful for my life and at the same time helped me understand how much there was and is a part of me that craves and wants meaningful rites of passage in my life. It is not enough to go through life and achieve specific outcomes and results, if we have nothing that marks those outcomes and results or marks the evolution of our being.
A rite of passage is a mark of transformation. When you undergo a rite of passage, you are experiencing an initiation where you move from your old identity to a new one. That evolution of identity is marked by specific processes you undergo in the initiation and it challenges you to face something within yourself that needs a change. It’s a change from you are, to who you can become and what that change brings with it is a change in consciousness.
Recently, at the Kung Fu studio I practice martial arts at, I took my test for my yellow belt. This test was also a rite of passage. I had to demonstrate to my Sifu that I knew the required knowledge but I also had to show him that I had learned something else, which was a level of responsibility and awareness that could tell him that I was ready for the yellow belt. At the end of the test I had my rite of passage and I felt different as a result. I had graduated from one belt to another, but I had also transformed who I was into someone new. It was a profound and moving moment that helped me appreciate how much I had changed since I had started practicing Kung Fu with my Sifu.
Each time I’ve gone through a rite of passage I have recognized that it is an initiation into mystery. The mystery isn’t always focused on the masculine, but it is always focused on developing awareness, which in turn leads a person to growing up. And that’s something that men need more than ever.
A rite of passage offers a man an opportunity to come into closer relationship with all aspects of himself, heal his inner wounds and transform his life. When a man has a rite of passage in his life he has a path to walk that brings him to meaning and purpose.
If you’re looking for that meaning and purpose, I invite you to check out my upcoming class Sacred Masculine Purpose, where we’ll be exploring among other topics, how to use rites of passage to help you discover your meaning and purpose.
I used to say I’m sorry a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I’d say I was sorry in a given day, but it could be a lot.
It was if I was apologizing for my existence.
But the truth is even more insidious. I was apologizing because I was trying to be accepted and I didn’t respect myself enough to own who I wanted to be. I was trying to fit into what I thought someone else wanted and as a result anytime I didn’t fit their image of me, I’d apologize and try to make myself fit a very uncomfortable space…namely the space of trying to be who they wanted me to be.
It never worked…
I would just end up sabotaging those efforts and then I’d be back to apologizing for letting them see a glimpse of the real me. I felt ashamed of that person and as a “nice guy” it seemed like it was more important to be anyone else other than myself, if I was going to have any chance of being liked.
