The Relationship between Shame and Self-Worth

Shame is one of the heaviest emotions and experiences a person can feel. It can become a background emotion that keeps a person in a bad place because of the messaging that comes along with that feeling of shame. Shame is distinct from guilt. If I feel guilty, I feel bad about something I’ve done. If I feel shame I feel bad about my identity and I take what I’m feeling make it personal to my identity. Neither feeling is necessarily easy to deal with, but guilt is easier to let go of, especially if the situation is addressed and resolved. Shame lingers. A person who feels shame can carry it with them because they’ve turned it into self-loathing. Shame kills the sense of self-worth a person has.

So what is the antidote to shame?

First I recommend looking at your messaging around the word should. Should is a shame word that can cause you to feel like you aren’t good enough. It’s telling you what you should do and there’s a judgement to what you should do, in regards to what you are actually doing.

Take a step back from that should word. Where is it coming from? Who is behind that messaging? Chances are your should is someone else’s voice telling you something about yourself. Is that message true or is it a projection you are giving power to? When we look at our shoulds with a bit of distance we can see that they are charged messages that have more to do with the judgement of other people than who we actually are. Let those judgements go and let go of the power behind that statement.

Another antidote to shame is the purposeful cultivation of self love. A self love practice may initially consist of telling yourself that you love yourself but can also evolve over time. For example, my self love practice includes stretches and exercises in the morning and kung fu in the evening so I can keep myself in good shape and because of how I physically feel. When you actively practice self love in your life this can go a long way toward helping you heal from shame.

A gratitude practice can also be helpful. Each night when I go to bed I review my day and what it is I am grateful for. This helps me put my day into perspective and part of my gratitude is toward myself, thanking myself for actions I took or other ways I showed up. By actively giving recognition to myself I am also orienting toward positive feelings about myself and this counteracts any shame I may be feeling.

Shame operates on stories about ourselves that we tell in order to punish ourselves. The punishment doesn’t help us feel better though. It reinforces the shame and damages our sense of self worth. The solution is to actively change our narrative and find ways to love ourselves and also change our thoughts and beliefs around the shoulds in our lives.

The Relationship between Anger and Self Worth

Anger is one of the emotions I’ve struggled the most with in my life. As a boy, I learned that expressing my anger wasn’t acceptable. I was supposed to keep my anger to myself, and I did that. It was unhealthy. I became depressed because I couldn’t authentically express myself or the feelings I was feeling. It also didn’t help that I would see the exact opposite behavior with anger modeled by the adults in my life. What I learned to do was turn anger toward myself, because it felt like the only way I could experience anger of any sort weas by directing it toward me. I have since developed a healthier relationship with anger, learning to be present with it and share it in a way that doesn’t have to be overwhelming or terrifying toward myself or anyone else. I recognize there is value in feeling anger, when it can be expressed constructively in a way that actually addresses what is underlying the anger.

One of the books I’ve been reading is Addicted to the Monkey Mind, by JF Benoist (Affiliate link). He makes a salient observation about anger, that it is a feeing that occurs when an internal boundary is crossed and that while it is often attributed to other people or situations, it often comes down to an issue within us. Specifically he makes the point that the anger we feel, in part, is anger directed toward ourselves for being in the situation we’re in. I’ll admit when I read that perspective, it took me a little while to wrap my mind around it, because it initially came off as a form of self blaming, but as I sat with that observation and considered what I am feeling when I feel anger, I realized there is an element of truth to this observation.

When I feel anger about a situation, there is a boundary that has been crossed. Some of that can be attributed to the situation or a person, but I also do feel anger toward myself or putting myself in that situation. There is a sense of “I should have known better,” and a judgment that accompanies that thought that brings an element of shame into the mix. When I sit with anger, I realize some of the anger is directed toward myself and it shows up as a from of doubt around my own worth.

When I turned my anger toward myself when I was a child it felt like the safe approach to handling the feeling, but I realize now it wasn’t. Turning it toward myself caused me to doubt my own worth because it created an echo chamber for what other people were telling me about their anger toward me. Later in life I learned to express anger toward other people or situations but would still direct a lot of it toward myself. I realize now that the self-directed anger is a feeling around my inner sense of worthiness. The awareness I bring to that feeling is one where I can be kinder to myself and acknowledge that I haven’t honored my inner boundaries and limits. It also motivates me to work on expressing those boundaries and limits, both to myself and to the people in my life.

Look at your own relationship with anger. Be present with the emotion and allow yourself to be aware of how it feels in your body. When you feel the anger, is some of it directed inward? What is the message that your anger has for you?

What can you do to honor your anger and help yourself feel safe to express it in a manner that doesn’t overwhelm you or the other people involved?

One of the solutions I employ is meditation. Meditation allows me to be embodied and present with the emotion and the situation and also provides enough distance to help me get some perspective. I use deep breathing and grounded awareness as well, focusing on being in my body, because I find that otherwise my body locks up and I feel frozen or I blow up. I want to deepen my connection with my body so that the feeling permeates my being and I dialogue with it, instead of just reacting to it.

I also recommend journaling about your emotions. Getting them onto paper can help you express what you are feeling in a way that isn’t filtered and won’t necessarily be shared with someone else. It allows you to give a voice to your anger in a way that isn’t out of control.

And there is also something to be said for speaking with someone who is removed from the situation and can hear the situation for what it is, without any judgment of yourself or anyone else involved in the situation. When you feel heard in a situation, it can go a long way toward helping you address the feelings. If you want some help with that schedule a free appointment with me.