Photo by Cup of Couple: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-s-face-covered-with-paper-6633040/
I used to say I’m sorry a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I’d say I was sorry in a given day, but it could be a lot.
It was if I was apologizing for my existence.
But the truth is even more insidious. I was apologizing because I was trying to be accepted and I didn’t respect myself enough to own who I wanted to be. I was trying to fit into what I thought someone else wanted and as a result anytime I didn’t fit their image of me, I’d apologize and try to make myself fit a very uncomfortable space…namely the space of trying to be who they wanted me to be.
It never worked…
I would just end up sabotaging those efforts and then I’d be back to apologizing for letting them see a glimpse of the real me. I felt ashamed of that person and as a “nice guy” it seemed like it was more important to be anyone else other than myself, if I was going to have any chance of being liked.
The problem is I really didn’t like myself, so it was pretty hard to hope that someone else might like me.
If any of this sounds familiar to you welcome to the reality of being a nice guy. One of the symptoms of being a nice guy is the amount of apologizing that occurs when you’re being a nice guy.
Don’t get me wrong…there’s a time and place for saying I’m sorry and making amends, but a lot of times nice guys end up apologizing for being themselves or sharing something they want or need and there’s no reason to apologize for any of that.
The problem with apologizing so much is that at some point people stop believing your apologies and also begin to wonder why you’re apologizing so much. Or as I was told once by someone…”Your apologies are fleeting and immaterial” Translation my apologies didn’t mean a damn thing because they didn’t seem authentic…and there was some truth to that statement. Apologizing all the time waters down any meaning your apology might otherwise have.
As a recovering nice guy, I’ve been working hard to identify and change my nice guy behaviors and that’s included the overly frequent use of apologies. Once I really started to own my nice guy behaviors I pretty much stopped apologizing all together. I still catch myself occasionally doing it, but I’m really paying attention to what I’m apologizing for and making the effort to only apologize if its actually warranted.
So how do you recognize when you’re apologizing too much?
Take a moment to reflect on what you are apologizing for. When you find yourself apologizing for something, what is the other person’s experience showing you that calls for an apology? Is that person angry or upset or hurt or are you reacting to something else?
Are you apologizing reflexively as a way to keep yourself “safe?” Sometimes people apologize because they aren’t feeling safe and they hope that apologizing will make them feel safe. Examine your motivations and intentions for apologizing and be honest with yourself and other people about those motivations and intentions.
What can you do to stop apologizing so much?
Start taking ownership for your actions. If you meant to do something, don’t apologize for it, unless you hurt someone and then you may want to examine your motivations and actions to figure out what happened and then make changes accordingly.
Start choosing yourself and your desires. Sometimes what we’re apologizing for are things we want, because we think we’ll be judged for what we want. That may be the case, or it may not, but either way, take ownership of your desires and validate them, instead of apologizing for them.
When I stopped apologizing all the time it was because I start valuing myself , my needs, and the way I showed up in my life. I stopped being a nice guy to fit in and be accepted by others and started accepting myself and when I did that, I came to realize I didn’t need to apologize so much and that if anything I should reserve my apologies for when an apology is truly warranted.
