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How normalization of our experiences can help us become healthier and happier men

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Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-wearing-hooded-jacket-in-front-of-body-of-water-1172207/

One of the challenges that men face in general is learning how to share their experiences, challenges, and frustrations with other men. Often times it can feel intimidating to let another man in and share with that man what’s really going on underneath the surface. It also doesn’t help that often we’re encouraged to project a sense of false bravado and confidence that often people can see right through.

I was recently reading a book where the author also shared that another dilemma that many men face is one of how vulnerable they can really be with their families. When we’re wrestling with our shadows it can feel like we have to do this work alone and never show anyone what’s actually happening. The problem is that going it alone doesn’t work all that well. When I am doing the work alone I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling the doubts and fears and anxieties that inevitably come up with this work.

Shouldn’t I have it altogether like all the other people out there?

The truth is nobody has it altogether all the time. We may have moments where everything comes together effortlessly, but there are also moments where we don’t have it together. But when no one shares that they’re going through a rough time, its usually because of a fear of being judged and shamed. The sad thing is, that judgement and shame is already occurring on a deep level from the one person you need it the least from: Yourself.

The first time I realized I truly wasn’t alone was the first time I joined a circle of men and listened to the experiences of the other men and then shared my experiences. A thought went through my mind, like a lightning bolt: “I’m not alone. These men can relate to my experiences.”

I had never felt that way before, never really opened up to other people in my life. I had learned early on to keep myself guarded. I had learned that opening up just led to getting hurt and being ridiculed for being emotional, too self absorbed, or other comments made that tore me down. So I kept myself locked away, hurting on the inside, and trying to show a brave face to the outside, while hoping no one noticed how afraid I really was.

What I encountered in that circle of men was a normalization of my experience. Normalizing is the experience where people share their emotions and experiences and thoughts in a way that helps each person realize they are not alone and that what they are experiencing is actually normal. It helps us cut through the illusion of success that so many people try to project and get to the reality underneath.

And what’s fascinating is that when you get to the reality underneath and normalize the shadows that prey on all of us, you begin to discover real confidence and act on it. It’s not that that you banish your fear or that bad experiences go away. Even now I have days where I feel afraid or I struggle, but I don’t suffer in the same way because I know there are other people who can relate and hold the space with me. That makes the experience easier to handle than it would be otherwise.

When we normalize our experiences we become healthier and happier men because we aren’t holding in all the fears and insecurities and anxieties and stresses of life. We’re releasing them and stepping more fully into our power.

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5 Reasons your needs and desires must come first if you want to have a successful relationship.

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One of the challenges that recovering nice guys face is learning how to pay attention to and prioritize their own needs and desires. The mistake that nice guys make is that they aren’t honest with themselves or anyone else about their needs and wants. Instead they act like they are putting other people’s needs first (and often they are) but they hold onto a subconscious desire that the other people in their lives will anticipate and act on the unexpressed needs they aren’t sharing with anyone else. What the nice guy has done is formed a covert contract that no one else knows about, in the hopes that someone will somehow read their mind and fulfill their desires and needs.

This never works and is unfair to everyone involved. What it ultimately creates is a situation where the nice guy sabotages the relationships has he with other people and the relationship has with himself. The result is a man who finds himself alone, without friends or lovers.

When the nice guy doesn’t get his needs met, he acts on them, but not in a transparent and open manner. The resentment he likely feels at never having his needs met causes him to covertly go after those needs and yet ironically do it in a way where’s not even being fully honest with himself. This can only change when the nice guy learns one of the more important principles of the men’s quest:

Learn how to choose and prioritize yourself first.

Why apologizing for being yourself is nice guy behavior

I used to say I’m sorry a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I’d say I was sorry in a given day, but it could be a lot.

It was if I was apologizing for my existence.

But the truth is even more insidious. I was apologizing because I was trying to be accepted and I didn’t respect myself enough to own who I wanted to be. I was trying to fit into what I thought someone else wanted and as a result anytime I didn’t fit their image of me, I’d apologize and try to make myself fit a very uncomfortable space…namely the space of trying to be who they wanted me to be.

It never worked…

I would just end up sabotaging those efforts and then I’d be back to apologizing for letting them see a glimpse of the real me. I felt ashamed of that person and as a “nice guy” it seemed like it was more important to be anyone else other than myself, if I was going to have any chance of being liked.

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Men's Relationship with Fear part 1

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Let’s get real about fear and how we deal with fear. Fear is a part of life. Men have been taught to ignore and repress their feelings of fear in the futile hope that denying that a feeling of fear exists will make that fear go away. I share why this approach doesn’t work in part 1 of this series.

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The shadow of insecurity

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Recently I was feeling conflicted.

I was at a crossroads about a major decision. Should I go this way or that way? I didn't know which way to go.

Should I commit to going to grad school, get another degree, a mountain load of student debt or should I commit to becoming a men's coach and do the work I know I am called to do around helping other men?

I felt weak and indecisive, paralyzed about making a decision even though in my deepest, truest self I already knew the answer. I kept questioning myself and my choices, scared I was making the wrong choice, trying to stay in my comfort zone instead of challenging myself to grow, even though that growth might be really uncomfortable.

One of my shadows had me in its grip and it wasn't going to be easy to shake off.

Can you relate to that?

What I needed was to address the shadow head on from a place of grounded and rooted masculine awareness, from a place of true strength.

The strength that can only come from knowing yourself, choosing yourself and acting on that choice in your best interests.

Fortunately I had some help and I did a deep dive into my shadows and encountered that shadow which had me in its grip.

It was the shadow of my father and a memory I had when I was 12 years old. I was at the dinner table sharing a compliment I had gotten from a girl about a book I was reading.

He said, "If you're so smart, why can't you get better grades?"

It was just one incident among many in my life where he tried to crush my spirit and make me small.

And here he was again reaching from the past to try and make me feel small, to try and make me feel dumb and keep me from realizing my potential.

But I wasn't going to let him do that. And I had help.

For so long in my life I had tried to white knuckle my way through my shadows, fears and insecurities, but what I have learned is that you don't have to go on the journey alone. You can go with brothers who understand and can relate to your experiences because they know the territory. Their stories aren't the same, and neither are their experiences, but they can relate.

I confronted this shadow with my brothers and I changed the story on a deep level and came out the other side feeling confident and grounded in myself, knowing that I can move forward with my decision and let go of the need to be in the comfort zone.

If you've ever felt something similar, felt lost, scared and indecisive, and you've tried and tried on your own to make the choice, but kept finding yourself back in the comfort zone numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, porn, video games or other distractions, or just stuck and unable to make a decision, there is a better way.

Allow me the privilege to take you on a journey...the journey to discover your sacred masculine power and discover the deepest abiding strength you have within you.

If you're ready, sign up for a free sacred masculine strategy session and let's explore the challenges and shadows in your life by shining a light on them.

https://www.inneralchemycoach.com/

#sacredmasculinity #DivineKing #themensjourney #divinemasculine

Sacred Masculine Book Reviews February 2023

Book Review: Discipline is Destiny by Ryan Holiday (Affiliate link)

In this book, the author explores the virtue of discipline and shares historical examples of when discipline has been exercised and when it has not. I found this book to be really relevant to my journey. I can be impulsive in my decision making and choices and reading this book helped me recognize where I need to rein in my emotions and impulses and approach a given situation from a more systematic awareness and perspective. I highly recommend this book to anyone as it provides some ideas on how to be more disciplined in your life.

Book Review: The Path of the Warrior-Mystic by Angel Millar (Afilliate link)

The author explores what sacred masculinity looks like in an age of chaos, advocated for men to simultaneously be in touch with their warrior and mystic aspects. It’s more of a philosophy book than anything else, but the author brings up some interesting points ty too consider about what it means to be a man and how to transform one’s relationship with masculinity.