Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-in-red-polo-shirt-sitting-near-chalkboard-3779448/
One of the frequent comments I hear from both men and women is how men aren’t good listeners. From women what I sometimes hear is that the men in their life will start trying to problem solve for them, instead of taking the time to listen and from men what I’ll hear is that they’re told they’re not good listener and in general I find that to be true. For many men the challenge comes down to learning how stop problem solving and actually make time to be present with what their partner is sharing with them.
I used to have this same difficulty. When I would be confronted with a partner’s sharing about their day and challenges I would react from a place of thinking that my partner wanted me to solve their problem. Aside from being a reaction to what my partner was sharing, that reaction was really rooted in a place of selfishness. I wanted to fix whatever the perceived issue was and get on with whatever I was focused on. It was incredibly insensitive on my part, but it also rooted in what I had learned about masculinity, which is that a man is supposed to “fix” problems. What I didn’t realize at the time was that what my given partner likely needed was for me to listen and hold space with them. They didn’t necessarily need or want a solution from me and likely I didn’t have one for them anyway.
When we listen to problem solve we are shutting down the conversation and the opportunity to connect from a place of curiosity and awareness. We’re so focused on trying to find the solution, to fix the problem, that we end up missing the connection and the chance to establish a safe container to explore whatever is really going on.
So how do you stop listening to problem solve?
First, it’s really important to recognize that how you respond to someone can indicate the way you are listening to them. Here’s an exercise you can do that can help you recognize the way you listen to people. For the next week, carefully observe how you respond to each conversation you enter into. What is your initial response? If your initial response is to offer a solution, you’re listening to problem solve. You likely feel the need to have an answer.
If you’re listening just to listen, without offering a solution, you’ll discover that you’re listening from a place of awareness and curiosity. You don’t need to have an answer. You take the time to really hear the person and let them fully share what is going on.
And here’s a secret for you…most of the time if you listen from that place of awareness, it’s all the other person really needed. When I make the effort to listen with awareness and curiosity and let the person share what they want to share, it provides a space for that person to be heard and more often than not they come up with their own solution and its the solution they really need.
With that said, I also want to share that its really helpful to learn how to ask good questions. When I listen to someone, I don’t come up with the questions until they are finished speaking. Afterwards I will ask questions and I ask them from a place of curiosity. I’m not trying to solve the problem. I just genuinely want to know what they are thinking and feeling and I know good questions can help draw out excellent answers.
When I ask a question I take a moment to be present with what I’ve heard and then I frame the question from that place of awareness. I’m not asking the question to fix the situation. I’m asking the question to learn something. When I ask a question to learn, I’m also inviting the person I’m asking to learn with me…because they may not have an answer to that question, but it gives them an opportunity to discover one. Good questions can help you listen better and help the other person get clarity.
Can I ever offer a solution?
I recommend that if you have advice to offer or a solution to share that you ASK the person if they are open to receiving advice. If the person says no, let it go! If the person says yes, then the situation is setup for them to receive what you want to share. A person who gives consent is much more receptive to a solution than someone you are offering a solution to, but without asking. It’s also important to remember that even if they choose to listen to your advice, they are under no obligation to follow it. I recommend not being attached to a specific outcome if you offer advice, but simply share it with grace and acceptance of how they choose to receive it.
