I’ve never handled moments of weakness well, yet I’ve had many such moments in my life. Early on in life I was taught that I wasn’t supposed to show emotions and so I learned to bottle them up. This didn’t work very well…in my early 20’s my emotions came pouring out, demanding to be felt and experienced. It was and still is an overwhelming experience. The feeling of emotion isn’t a weakness but I was taught that it was…until I learned it wasn’t.
Shame is easily the hardest emotion I struggle with. I’ve gotten the practice of beating myself up down to a fine science and its only been recently that I’ve finally begun to learn a different approach that is allowing me to heal my shame and even so I still struggle. Tonight I’m writing this article because I am feeling shame around a few matters in my life, and I am reminding myself in the writing of it what my own best practices are but I am also sharing them with you because I hope they help you, in a perceived moment of weakness to help you reorient yourself and get some healthy perspective.
So what are the best practices that I use when I am feeling moments of weakness that crystallize into shame?
1. Journal early and often. Keeping a journal on hand, whether a pen and paper or electronic journal can help you express what your feeling and work out what’s going on in your head and heart. I recommend keeping the journal private because its a place where you can be completely unfiltered but also express whatever is going on in a way that lets you make sense of it and put it into context. I find that when I externalize my thoughts and emotions it helps me make sense of them. What I write isn’t necessarily the conclusion I come to, but it is a way for me get a lot out of my head and heart and put into a place where have an objective record to look at. When I can see an objective record, it helps me recognize that whatever I’m expressing isn’t larger than life.
2. Practice self love each day. When I started learning how to love myself I discovered that it helped me counteract the moments of weakness I was feeling, because it allowed me to realize I was lovable no matter what the experience was. For a long time whenever I’d feel weak or ashamed or something else, I would also feel I wasn’t worthy of love. When I started my self love practice and applied it to those moments of weakness and shame it helped me start changing the underlying narrative around moments of weakness and shame. I became compassionate and forgiving toward myself and this also extended over to other people. You can do this as well.
One practice I do involves saying “I love myself” to myself in the mirror until I believe it. I will look into my eyes and state this phrase as many time as it takes until I genuinely feel love toward myself. Try it. Go to your bathroom and close the door. Look in the mirror and say, “I love myself.” You may feel awkward or weird initially, but saying it again and again will help you normalize this experience and make it easier for you to start believing yourself.
Another practice I recommend is making a vow to yourself about the life you want to live. Say this vow aloud to yourself in the morning when you wake up and at night when you go to bed. By saying this vow you are reminding yourself of what a life of self-love looks like and you are directing your focus and effort toward manifesting it. And it works. I created a vow and stated it each day and my life has changed significantly by continuously making the effort to state what my life of self love looks like.
Finally, I recommend asking yourself the question, “If I truly love myself, would I allow myself to have this experience?” This question can help you check in with yourself about experiences you are having and help you make conscious choices around whether or not you want to continue having these experiences. It has helped me get clear on who I want to spend my time with and the activities I want to do and it motivates me to continue to change my life.
3. Normalize the simple fact that we all have moments of weakness. We all have moments where we feel shame or weakness. What helps me know this is attending men’s groups where I can share my struggles and hear the struggles of other men. While what we share may not be exactly the same, oftentimes the emotions and challenges we deal with are similar. It helps me realize I’m not alone and helps me accept that the moments of weakness are normal…I don’t have to always be a strong man. I do want to be an honest man, and normalizing the hard moments of life makes it easier to be honest and also opens the door to genuine change.
Find a man you can trust and start sharing your experiences. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, I encourage you to connect with me. I coach men on these very issues and I am more than happy to be an accountability partner and coach that helps you take the next step on your own journey to sacred and powerful masculinity.
